UnNews:Don't panic, says Putin, as rouble crashes

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Don't panic, says Putin, as rouble crashes

Straight talk, from straight faces

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16 December 2014

RussianRevolution

Russians not panicking.

MOSCOW, Russia -- Russian President Vladimir Putin has urged his country "not to panic" as the rouble crashed to 1 billion kopeks to the USA dollar.

Appearing on all television stations, radio stations, internet forums and hacking sites, Putin blamed Barack Obama and NATO for Russia's economic woes. Wearing a shirt to hide his muscles, Putin said, "Comrades! Russians!! Holy Mother of all the Russias. Our country is under economic attack. Rally to Russia, spit on the Americans. Solidarity with China. There is nothing to panic about. We'll just turn off all the gas taps to the West and let them know what it is like to have a Siberian winter."

The falling Russian economy is said to be the result of people using less petrol and instead converting their vehicles to run on fracking power. The USA is reportedly behind this, as another way to "screw the Russkies good and proper this time," and for objecting to the spread of American influence all the way to Red Square.

Following the broadcast/webcast, patriotic Russians immediately rallied to their leader, packed their gold in suitcases, and headed for the Finnish border.

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