UnNews:Dolphins achieve near imperfection with no effort
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Dolphins achieve near imperfection with no effort
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 1, 2016, 05:30:UTC)(
31 December 2007
MIAMI, Florida -- They say you can't lose 'em all. And whoever coined that phrase was probably right. Though they tried their best, the Miami Dolphins were unable to go 0-16 this season, winning one game over The Baltimore Ravens.
"How could you ever think something like this was ever possible?" Dolphins safety Jesse Chatman said in an emotional Miami locker room after that game. "I never imagined it was possible. Going back to Week 1, Week 2, it's so many teams, so many games, all the competition, the injuries and the emotional rollercoaster of a football season. You're happy just losing a game by only one field goal, but actually winning one? That's amazing!"
Though, because they've won a game, there can be no parallel between these Dolphins and their neighbors to the north, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who went 0-14 in 1976. However, parallels can be drawn between them and the Dolphins from the last few years.
"That was some way to finish the season today," Dolphins head coach Cam Cameron said. "They (the players) failed to come through like they have all year. We've been behind before, and we've never come back. And I'm glad they let me down again -- a come back could've really fucked that up for us. Now we have one more loss to add to our record. And let's face it, The Bengals are pretty good, so it's expected. But hey, somehow we beat the Ravens?"
This is what we've come to expect from these Dolphins. All season long, the magic has never been there when they needed it at all, except against the Ravens. And now you can add this one against the Bengals to the list of games the Dolphins could have won -- but didn't.
"I never doubt this team's ability to lose, not at all," said Chatman, when asked if his faith ever began to waver during the season.
"You know, I've always believed in my team's disabilities. I know coach Cameron was a great offensive coordinator with the San Diego Chargers, and that his skills at offending people are still great. I mean, most of our fans are offended by our playing these days. That's something that never happened in Miami Dolphins history. I'm proud to be a part of this magnificent team."
The Dolphins think they can lose 'em all. They believe 0-16 is their destiny. "Next year will be an entirely different story," said Cameron. "We will make sure to be lazy in the off-season in hopes that muscles will atrophy and the players will become overweight slobs. I am sure that if we do our best at trying to do our worst, not even the Ravens will lose to us next year."
"It'll be a disappointment if we don't finish the way we want to next year," Dolphins defensive tackler Vonnie Holliday said. "We've never looked at it like, `Hey, let's just try to go 1-15.` It's great to do and all, but we've always had our eye on the prize: 0-16. One day, when we achieve that, it'll be something that when we walk away from the game one day we will be able to look back upon and say this was a special team. It'll be absolutely great to be among the elites, like the 1960 Dallas Cowboys and the 1976 Buccaneers!"