UnNews:Dog on Rooftop Threatens to Jump!
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Dog on Rooftop Threatens to Jump!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 23, 2018, 11:17:UTC)(
2 August 2008
Yorkshire, England: A dog died in a shocking series of events centred on the roof of a local auto repair shop today. The dog, imaginatively named “Duke”, climbed onto the roof of the auto repair shop using a grappeling hook to scale the wall, at roughly 2 p.m. local time. He was apparently discussing his situation with his friend "Sean" a sheep, and they had a mutual pact that if one of them died, the other would have to as well.
After he had been barking loudly for several hours a passer by finally noticed Duke and after discovering the Mechanic was away, called for help. No less than three fire trucks turned up around forty minutes later after having gotten lost after botching an attempt to save Sean the Sheep. Barely older than most foetuses and not nearly half as attractive, the fire crew managed to erect the ladder and began trying to talk the dog out of ending its life prematurely in a manner that would render it useless for petting and chasing cars.
The firemen that was first to talk to Duke, whom we cannot name for reasons of his dignity, reported that the dog talked about “not having a strong enough father figure” and that this, coupled with his fear of ridicule, led to the “spiral of morbid, unending depression”. "Surprisingly lucid for a dog one might think." stated Mike the Mechanic.
The “rescue” concluded when the rookie fireman tried to take the dog down the ladder. Both plunged to the ground due to the fireman loosing balance, and Duke died almost instantly when the fireman landed on top of him.
The death has sent waves of unrest through the community. Locals are now showing a lack of trust in the fire department after a school was burnt down during this dog rescue incident. A local woman complained.
|“||Whilst you were wasting time badly rescuing a sheep my son could have been killed! What are you doing to remedy your effectiveness and efficiency? I am going to sue!||”|
|“||He was such a good boy, so young and driven to do such a reckless thing. If I had my way the irresponsible man trying to “rescue” my son would be shaven and roasted on Sunday.||”|
A committee of dogs, calling themselves WOOF (World Organization Of Feline-chasers), has been put together to try and raise awareness. They thought about using terror tactics due to the fact that whenever they visit market places they invariably end up dead anyway. However they discarded this idea shortly after realising that they may hurt somebody which is not their goal at all: “We fight for justice!” Duke’s father informed us.
It has been reported that across the country thousands of dogs are now threatening to jump off tall buildings with little chance of coaxing them out of it. Cats are for once, amused.