UnNews:Doctors amazed what reporter can do with half a brain
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
28 February 2007
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HALF DOME, California --Doctors are perplexed and overjoyed with the progress Bob Woodrow has made since losing half his brain in Iraq. Woodway was on assignment in Iraq for the International Multimedia Broadcast Entertainment Corporation, Limited (IMBECL) when the Humvee convertible he was traveling in was broadsided by an Indefensible Explosive DeviceTM.
According to Woodburn, "Last March I was cruising toward Al-Mahmudiyah with my buds in the 502nd Infantry Regiment when the vehicle ahead of us triggered a roadside bomb. The lug nuts from one of the wheels distributed themselves randomly throughout my cranium."
"We were forced to induce a coma and remove a significant amount of damaged brain tissue", said Dr. Laura Wilder, ranking neurosurgeon in charge of Woodruff's treatment. "The amount of progress he's made in just about a year is amazing. We're constantly amazed at the resilience of the human brain."
Asked to comment, Woodward was a bit nonplussed, "Translated, that means they don't know what the hell they're doing. I mean, thanks for removing the eight pounds of debris that was embedded in my noggin, but as for the rest of it, who needs them?"
Asked when he plans to return to work, Woodside indicated he has a special project in mind, "I'm going to do a series of in-depth reports on people with similar conditions as mine. This country needs to be made aware of these types of injuries and what can be done to rehabilitate the victims. My first story will concern Paris Hilton, with Britney Spears not far behind."
Woodchill would not confirm reports that Fox News has offered him a position on their national desk, rumored to be an attempt to increase the average amount of brain matter among Fox employees.