UnNews:Doctor tells Chavez to stop animal sex
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Doctor tells Chavez to stop animal sex
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, February 21, 2018, 19:43:UTC)(
2 March 2009
MARACAS, Venezuela -- Sources close to the Venezuelan Ministry of Health report that Communist showboat and chocaholic Hugo Chavez was warned that, "further dalliances of carnal nature with hooved animals", must stop at once. Known to ramble for five hours and more during his thrice daily speeches to the general public, the hispanic master of windbag oratory was ordered by his personal homeopathic physician to, "rest his voice long enough to let pus drain from his throat, or risk losing his voice entirely".
The inimitable South American leader called a meeting with Dr. Delectina Copra, Chief of Bollocks at Santa Chupacabra National Homeopathic Hospital, after enduring a sore throat and frustrated ego for three days. His response to Dr. Chupacabra's advice to "refrain from further damaging his throat by taking a few days off from speaking" was slightly violent and momentarily bloody, culminating with outbursts of "Oye como va!". In the end, Chavez succumbed to the standard treatment for AGSS ; rest, waving chickens over a blender, and a custom tincture composed of super-secret ingredient H20.
The most important doctors order, however, revealed a particularly nasty side of El Jeffe; animal sex. Not that a fellow doesn't fancy a bit of odd on occasion, hungrily eyeing the southern side of a sheep, or perhaps daydreaming of a chicken in a Singapore sling, but this is beyond the pale of normal perversion.
Chavez was found to have scarred his voice box by repeatedly exposing it to goat semen. There it is; Hugo Chavez blows goats! So, next time you're tempted to take free oil from Citgo to avoid freezing to death in winter (you New Englanders know who you are), remember it comes courtesy of a guy who blows goats.
- ↑ Acidic Goat Semen Syndrome