UnNews:Doctor finds cure for "Human Condition"
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Doctor finds cure for "Human Condition"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 02:56:UTC)(
9 January 2007
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BUILDING 4A, The Laboratory, This afternoon in a press release that he gave to the press, Dr. Clothberg of Building 4A announced that he had finally come up with his long sought-after "cure" for the human condition. While Dr. Clothberg would not state in his statement the exact length of time which he has spent researching and developing his "cure", it is believed to have taken him between five and six years. This "cure" is just the latest in Dr. Clothbergs famous "cures", including the "cure" for hair, feet, and pet dogs.
At this early date the actual method for curing the human condition has not been released by Dr. Clothberg to the general public, however a series of interested celebrities have already been "cured". The first to receive the expensive treatment was Michael Caine, at 3 o'clock this afternoon after Dr. Clothbergs statements to the press. All reports are that Michael Caine is recovering well.
Sadly however there are a number of protesters, possibly upwards of 37, who have steadily gathered outside of Dr. Clothberg's Laboratory in Building 4A. These protesters make outrageous claims such as the fact that what Dr. Clothberg has done is "inhuman", "monstrous", and "not what Jesus would do". Dr. Clothberg has very kindly offered to "cure" all the protesters for virtually no charge, just as soon as he was finished "curing" all of his high paying famous customers.
In the weeks to come it is expected that Dr. Clothberg will release the method for his "cure" to the Doctor Community at large, so that humans all over the world can be "cured" of their condition.
- Erik Homburger Erikson, "Dr. Clothberg Comes Out"