UnNews:Disneyland, still "The Happiest Place on Earth"

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19 June 2012

TheDiz

Disney, where everyone is either happy or gay

DISNEYLAND, CA – In a bid to bolster its image as “The Happiest Place on Earth,” satisfy its greedy stockholders, and reclaim the children whom the park lost when it dissed them with its Habit Heroes attraction—an exhibit that ridiculed fat kids—Disneyland has recently opened Car Land. “We need more than Gay Days if we want to stay in business,” Donald Duck said.

Apparently, Disney executives have learned that they can't make money by insulting their biggest customers. “Even fat kids like Mickey Mouse,” Minnie Mouse pointed out. “To disrespect them for carrying a little extra weight isn't good for the bottom line. Even Goofy knows that.”

The Habit Heroes attraction made mean-spirited “jokes” about overweight boys and girls, portraying them as Lead Bottom, Sweet Tooth, Snacker, Glutton, and Insecura, while thin kids were given such names as Callie Stenics and Will Power, simplifying the issues surrounding childhood obesity while blaming—and shaming—its victims.

Although Disney tried to blame the attraction's concept on Blue Cross, the insurance company named First Lady Michelle Obama as the true culprit. In an attempt to beautify America, as Lady Bird Johnson sought to do, the current president's wife has made it her business, as First Lady, to focus her time and attention on the issue of obese children. “She thought we could shame fat kids into losing weight by portraying them as lazy, undisciplined, self-indulgent idiots,” Fantasia star Hyacinth Hippo said.

Educators as far away as Canada objected to the attraction, and, as a result, Disney closed it, replacing it with Car Land. “It took four years and cost $1.1 billion dollars to create,” Imagineer Kathy Magnum told Unnews, “but the kids are worth every second and every cent.”

Unnews reporter Lotta Lies asked Magnum whether the attraction was created for “the kids” or to help boost the park's declining revenues.

“We do everything for the kids,” Magnum reassured the reporter.

Publicity photos suggest that “the kids” may not be enjoying the new attraction any more than fat children enjoyed Habit Heroes' cruel jibes at their expense.

Car Land seeks to capitalize on the popularity of the Disney animated movies about anthropomorphic cars. It does so, primarily, by letting bored children pretend to drive replicas of the cartoon vehicles as the cars follow rails around a circular track at speeds approaching three miles per hour. In the films, the cars race one another while they crack lame jokes. At Disneyland, however, the jokes are on the children who are expected to enjoy such a poor excuse of an attraction.

It is estimated that, on opening day, about 10 children, all under the age of six, visited Car Land. By contrast, the annual Gay Days extravaganza, held on the first Saturday in June each year, attracts approximately 150,000 gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered folks. On Gay Days, the theme park's Main Street shops stock “merchandise of interest to queers,” Peter Pan said, “such as condoms, dildos, and other gadgets that not even the Rescue Rangers' own Gadget can imagine in her wildest dreams.”

In the interest of maximizing profits, Disneyland tries to cater to all tastes, all ages, and all fetishes.

“It's not easy being The Happiest Place on Earth,” Pluto observed, “but, in memory of Walt, we try.”

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