UnNews:Disgruntled teen goes on rampage, destroys city
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Disgruntled teen goes on rampage, destroys city
Straight talk, from straight faces
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 13:39:UTC)(
23 May 2009
NEW YORK, New York (UnNews) - A disgruntled teenager and US marine went on a homicidal rampage in New York City last night. Robert Hawkins, 19, originally of Omaha, Nebraska and a United States Marine, entered a military base shortly before midnight and stole several high powered rifles, a rocket launcher, body armour, ammunition and a tank. Once in possession of this weaponry, the suspect proceeded to go on a murderous rampage, devastating lower Manhattan.
While investigators have not confirmed a motive for the attack, sources close to Hawkins indicate that sexual rejection from a former girlfriend may have motivated the attack. On the night of the attack, some of Hawkins' friends decided to throw a going-away party for both Hawkins and his older brother Jason, also a Marine, who were to be deployed to Iraq the following month. Eyewitnesses at the party reveal that Hawkins former girlfriend, Elizabeth McIntyre, showed up with another man. This infuriated Hawkins and he took Elizabeth aside and demanded an explanation. Elizabeth was at first reluctant to tell Hawkins the real reason she broke up with him, but eventually admitted to him that it was because he had a small penis and he was terrible in bed. Enraged, Hawkins began throwing furniture at McIntrye who fled the residence with her date. Seething with anger and humiliation, Hawkins then proceeded back to the party where he attempted to seduce the other females present.
Unfortunately for Hawkins, McIntrye had already told most of the girls at the party about his lack of skill in the bedroom weeks earlier. When Hawkins approached several of the girls at the party for sex, he was quickly rejected. Adding to his rage, his brother Jason and friend Hudson "Hud" Platt were easily able to find dates for the evening. This meant that Hawkins was the only male at the party who did not have a date. Hawkins screamed out at everyone "I'm risking my life in Iraq for you assholes and I can't even get laid! You fuckers will pay for this, you just wait and see". It was reported that several people laughed at Hawkins as he stormed out of the building.
People who witnessed Hawkins' little tantrum figured that it was the last that they would see of him that evening but they were proven tragically wrong just a few hours later. After leaving the party, investigators now know that Hawkins entered the military base where both he and his brother were stationed. Once inside he stole a vast supply of military equipment and then commandeered a tank. Several soldiers at the base attempted to stop him but he simply ran them over and drove through the barbed wire fence. Once loose in the city, Hawkins began a rampage of terror. One of the first things he did was destroy an oil tanker in New York Harbour. He also fired several shots at the Statue of Liberty which resulted in its decapitation.
Meanwhile back at the party, a brief power outage and news of a possible earthquake drew people out into the street. Hawkins began barrelling towards them in his tank which forced them back into the building. Hawkins managed to shoot or run over several people in the street. At this time, the police and military had not yet responded to Hawkins' attack and there was no one at the party to protect the patrons from the delusional psychopath. Hawkins, dressed in full body armour and combat fatigues, exited the tank and entered the building where the party was. Most of the patrons had fled at this point and Hawkins opened fire and killed the rest of the people present in the building. Hawkins then ran back into the street and got into the tank again. He was unsure of where his friend and brother were at this point but investigators believe he had already decided to kill them at this point. Motivated by extreme jealously, Hawkins continued to plow through Manhattan looking for his brother and former friend.
After driving several blocks, Hawkins spotted his brother, friend, and their dates attempting to cross the Brooklyn Bridge on foot with the other people who were attending the party. He again exited the tank and told his brother, former friend, and their dates to step forward. They all complied except for Jason. Hawkins ordered them into the tank. Hawkins then proceeded to run his brother over with the tank. After taking his former friends hostage, Hawkins continued north towards Mid-town Manhattan where his former girlfriend lived.
While heading towards his former girlfriend's house, one of the hostages, Marlena Diamond, attempted save the others. It didn't work though and Hawkins shot her several times at point blank range, killing her instantly.
When he arrived at his former girlfriend's (McIntrye's) apartment building, Hawkins opened fire on the building, severely damaging it. To make sure his ex-girlfriend was dead, Hawkins exited the tank and entered the building with his hostages in an attempt to find her. He located her inside of her apartment. The apartment had been severely damaged by the rocket attack. Once inside, Hawkins discovered her to be injured from the blast and covered in semen. Apparently, McIntrye's new boyfriend had left just minutes before Hawkins arrived in the tank. Hawkins then took McIntrye captive and forced the other hostages to carry her out of the building. Once outside, Hawkins was met by police who had finally responded to the disaster. He traded fire with them and managed to kill several officers. He then returned to the tank to retrieve his rocket launcher. One of the hostages, Lily Ford (who was the girlfriend of Hawkins' brother Jason), managed to escape while he retrieved his weapon. Ford began to relay information about her ordeal with Hawkins to police and military personnel. Rescue workers then loaded her onto a helicopter to be evacuated from Manhattan. Hawkins could see a helicopter taking off in the distance, and not knowing if Ford was even on it, decided to blow it up anyways. He launched a rocket at the helicopter when it was in the air, causing it to explode and incinerate all that were inside. Hawkins then managed to kill several soldiers and commandeered another helicopter that had landed in the vicinity. He forced his hostages onboard and took off.
Several military jets flew overhead and Hawkins knew that he had no where to run. Hudson Platt, one of the hostages attempted to wrestle the control of the helicopter from Hawkins but failed. Hawkins overpowered him and then threw him out of the helicopter. Platt plunged over 300 feet to his death. His body was recovered in Central Park. Shortly after throwing Platt to his death, the helicopter was hit by a missile and crash-landed in Central Park. Both Hawkins and his hostage survived the crash. Hawkins carried his injured hostage from the crash site to a bridge in Central Park. Not knowing that the hostage was with him under the bridge, the military bombed the bridge, killing both Hawkins and McIntrye and bringing this terrible story to an end. The death toll from this event is not known but is thought to be in the thousands. More important than the death toll is the financial cost which is estimated to be in the tens of billions of dollars.