UnNews:Discovery of caves on Mars sparks Space Race II
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Discovery of caves on Mars sparks Space Race II
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, April 26, 2017, 19:48:UTC)(
2 October 2007
PHOENIX, Arizona - NASA researchers today announced the discovery of deep and wide caverns on the side of one of the largest volcanoes in the Solar System. The crack team at Arizona State University made this discovery using an instrument mounted on the Odyssey satellite called THEMIS (Thermal Hole and Extraterrestrial Midget Incident Seeker) to photograph several thermal anomalies on the surface of Mars' third largest volcano, Arsia Mons (Greek for 'Motel of the Gods'). Said team member Philip Christensen, "these thermal footprints are clearly the result of lava creating caves in the side of a volcano. There is no evidence of any sort to support the theories that are springing up. Claims of alien tunnels or time-traveling zombies are pure poppycock."
However, some experts disagree. Noted believer Richard Hoagland suspects this has something to do with the Mars face discovered several years ago. His repeated claims of a NASA conspiracy have proved interesting, but only to those with long attentions spans. Hoagland's other theories include giant 50-foot glass worms, which he claims have made these tunnels, possibly in an attempt to please their worm-like god. When the obvious discrepancies and errors in his calculations and assumptions were pointed out by an UnNews reporter, Hoagland responded by throwing a whiskey bottle at the journalist.
Interestingly enough, this discovery has launched what many are considering to be a second space race. Proposed names for this event include "Space Race II", "PepsiTM Presents: The Race to the Mars Caves", and "Space Race 2: Electric Boogaloo". A large number of parties and individuals are seeking to claim ownership of the Martian caverns, all for different reasons. The Italian Mob has run out of body-dumping room in New Jersey, and is planning on using their prototype Guido I spacecraft to claim the caves. The Canadians are looking to do something noteworthy, which would be a first for them. The Americans are giving it a shot because they need something to throw fifty billion dollars at. Plus, it could bring up the whole Osama bin Laden thing again, buying their asses enough time to take over Iran while everyone's focused on Mars. Deforestation has forced several Bears into building a rudimentary spacecraft to seek ownership of the caves as new hibernating grounds. The Chinese are hoping to fulfill an ancient prophecy stating that dragons will be provoked from their slumber and destroy civilization this year. Regardless of the outcome, trust UnNews to keep you updated on this quixotic quest and all developments concerning these holes in the ground, a hundred million miles away.