UnNews:Dinosaur outed as imposter
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Dinosaur outed as imposter
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, January 18, 2018, 15:20:UTC)(
6 December 2017
PINGELIG, GERMANY -- After evaluation by a German paleontology team, the first Archaeopteryx fossil found turns out to be from a different genus and is not an Archaeopteryx. Rather than being related to local German fossils, it will be reclassified with a group of Chinese fossils. This is after careful examination of underlying rock in the fossil remains showed the dinosaur was carrying chopsticks at the time of death and what could possibly be the first airline ticket ever. Professor of Archaelogy Hans Waving stated, "Well, they had feathers didn’t they? That means they could fly. Any child could tell you that." When a reporter noted that ostriches had feathers but didn't fly, security guards grabbed him and took him away, never to be seen again.
This is not the first reclassification for this fossil, called the Haarlem Specimen. It was originally classified as a were-chicken in 1855. A later review in 1970 by John Ostrum put it with the genus known as Archaeopteryx. The most recent study now classifies that fossil with the family Anchiornis and will be given the scientific name Ostromus scrudisupbigteimwiejuslaff. Prof. Waving observed "We think Ostrum was working on the fossil during a KFC takeout dinner and got a little confused about things."
Paleontologist Wolfgang Schlitzbier said the study depended on the difference in finger bones between Archaeopteryx and Anchiornis. "We could do nothing until the University of Haarlem gave us the finger. We then asked to see the whole specimen and they gave us the bird. Nice guys, hey? They’ll be the first ones in line when we finish building our version of Jurassic Park."
As there is no rest for the wicked, scientists returned to their favorite pastimes, attacking each other in print and proposing nitpicking reclassification of other animals, past and present.
Meanwhile, many European right-wingers and neonationalists point to this potentially early visit as being caused by lax border controls and lenient immigration laws. However, well-known staunch Breton nationalists Asterix and Obelix merely regret the loss of someone they had thought was an early ancestor.
- Hugo, Kristen "Archaeopteryx: Scientists Have Been Wrong About the First Ever Bird Dinosaur Fossil for 160 Years". Newsweek, December 4, 2017