UnNews:Dick Clark still hosting New Year's Eve show

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Dick Clark still hosting New Year's Eve show

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 08:24:59 (UTC)

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19 April 2012


Dick and his half-brother Frankie hosting last year

New York, NY, USA -- The world was saddened to hear one of the most iconic television icons, a living legend, and witness to the signing of the Declaration of Independence, had died. Dick Clark had been hosting New Year's Rocking Eve for nearly 80 years. Despite being dead, Mr. Clark says "That's not going to stop me. I've hosted the show while drunk, or high, asleep, dead, this is nothing new."

It would seem ABC and Clark are moving forward with their plans of the 2012 New Year's Eve show. Executives at ABC are disappointed. "We thought we were finally rid of him."

Unfortunately, Dick Clark and ABC made a ritual pact with the demon Pazuzu, which binds his immortal soul into hosting each and every New Year. If Dick Clark does not host Pazuzu is re-summoned to this plane, and allowed to ravage the earth. ABC has felt, this would kill ratings and dramatically harm viewership. This deal was made well before standard television contracts existed. ABC has been looking for a loop hole, or some kind of counter-spell to allow for a new host to step in.

Mr. Clark seems just as happy as ever though, and excited to host again, saying, "Anything that keeps Regis away from hosting again. I hate that fucking guy!"

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
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