UnNews:Dick Clark dies; testicles live on
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Dick Clark dies; testicles live on
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 06:33:UTC)(
21 April 2012
SANTA MONICA, California -- In 2009, UnNews reported that Dick Clark's undescended testicle had dropped, thus finishing Mr. Clark's decades-long state of puberty. At the time, it was thought the rapid testosterone would kill him by the end of the day. However, Clark later injected his own balls with turtle semen, best known as the substance Magic Johnson uses to treat his AIDS.
Hoping that he had delayed death as least as long as his nut-Purgatory, thus allowing him to do television well into the 21st and 22nd century, Dick Clark died unexpectedly Wednesday due to a fatal heart attack experienced while having fantastic old people sex with his wife. He was 82-years-old and 839 days post-puberty.
Upon the news of his death, his handsome corpse was given the Bob Barker treatment, since Clark had donated his testicles to science. In fact, he specifically wrote on the application:
Take the nuts; leave the rest.
Dick Clark's family jewels are currently being studied by the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine as a hairy, wrinkly Fountain of Youth. If tests prove unsuccessful, the plan is to grind them up and sell the substance to gullible idiots as some kind of homeopathic remedy. Even better for marketing if they can find the Naked Pope to bless it.
The rest of his body was cremated on 4/20 to symbolize eternal youth. It was also notably the birthday of Adolf Hitler, another power-hungry individual who had a testicle removed.
As requested in his will, his ashes are to be poured over Times Square partiers as confetti on December 31st. Not only is this last New Year's Eve blowout for Clark questionable in appropriateness, one notes that his cremation also completely ruins those episodes of Futurama in which he voiced his own head in a jar. Particularly, the pilot episode.
What a Dick.