Dick Clark's Ball Drops

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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31 December 2009


Dick Clark seen here proudly showing off his pair of functioning testicles.

DICK CLARK'S PANTS, New York -- America's oldest living teenager Dick Clark finally finished puberty today, as his left testicle descended into its proper place.

The event took place this morning when a group of scientists were studying Clark's aging effects. Or rather, his lack of. In one experiment, Clark was injected with a large doses of testosterone. Several minutes went by before one scientist staring at his genitalia noticed something moving. Clark's left testicle had descended, thus ending his perpetual stage of puberty.

"I'm so happy that I have a normal set of bloopers now", said one happy Dick. "When I was 12, I went through all the normalities: I grew hair everywhere except my ears, my voice got deeper, I won a $10,000 pyramid, etc. Everything except one tiny detail."

"Well, not that tiny, hee hee."

Mrs. Clark has also described herself as very happy about her husband's transformation. "I haven't had sex this great in years!" she told this reporter. I couldn't help but nod in agreement. Old people sex is indeed fantastic.

However, the news isn't all good. Clark seems to now be aging too quickly. The scientists that gave him the testosterone predict that he will dissolve into a pile of dust by the end of the day. "I guess we dropped the ball on this one," said one scientist with a dark sense of humor.

The commemorate the occasion, a clock has been set up in Times Square, New York to countdown Dick Clark's impending doom.

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