UnNews:Diane Keaton: "Hollywood is incestuous"

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Diane Keaton: "Hollywood is incestuous"

The news outlet with approval higher than Congress

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 07:51:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

18 June 2012


Lohan hopes for a chance on Allen's casting couch, while he hopes dinner with her may lead give him a “woody”

HOLLYWOOD, ONLY IN THE USA – Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has plenty of detractors, in and out of Tinsel Town, but, it seems, she also has a fan, infamous famed director Woody Allen. Although he isn't considering Lohan for a role in a movie at present, “I wouldn't hesitate to ask her to audition on my casting couch,” Allen said. “She's hot!”

The 76-year-old director and former movie star is known to have a yen for younger women. His wife, Soon-Yi (née Previn), was also his adopted daughter by his ex-wife, actress Mia Farrow.

“When they say Hollywood is incestuous, they're not kidding,” actress Diane Keaton, who, during her younger years, starred in many of Allen's films, observed.

Insiders say that Keaton, now 66, is “much too old for Woody.” His wife and daughter, Soon-Yi, now 41, “soon will be, which is why Woody has his eye on the 25-year-old Lohan."

“I hear she's very talented,” the director said, “especially on the casting couch. Some filmmakers, I understand, have had her 'audition' as many as a dozen times before passing over her for someone else who's a little more emotionally stable.”

Even Lohan is “a little old, for Woody's tastes,” his friends declared. “She's 25; Soon-Yi was only 21 when she and her father began their affair.”

Still, Lohan is considerably younger than Soon-Yi is now, and “that's what matters to Woody,” sources close (professionally, that is, not sexually) to the director maintained.

Farrow discovered Allen's tryst with their daughter when she found nude pictures of Soon-Yi in Allen's Manhattan duplex.

Allen said his relationship with his daughter is not in any way “scandalous,” but his 23-year-old son, Ronan, by Farrow, said that he refuses to have a relationship with his father. “He's married to my sister, which makes me both his son and his brother-in-law. That's just twisted. Besides, who's to say that he may want to have an affair with me next? I wouldn't put anything past that pervert!”

Allen and Lohan have had dinner together, but nothing more, Lohan confessed.

“It was a strictly social dinner,” Allen was quick to add. He also admitted, however, that “If Lindsay wanted to climb into bed with me, I sure as hell wouldn't say no, and if I had something for her--some small 'part,' let's say--I wouldn't hesitate to give it to her.”

When not colliding with 18-wheel dump trucks or lying unconscious in her hotel room, Lohan is currently trying to portray Elizabeth Taylor in “an original Lifetime movie,” Liz and Dick. Her last role, in 2009, was in Labor Pains, a film that, Allen said, “would prepare her for any role I might offer her.”

Reportedly, Soon-Yi is “not happy” with her husband's interest in Lohan. “He promised to make me a star, and I've been in only three documentaries and two movies, and my roles in the movies have been limited to walk-on, extra parts!”

“It's not Soon-Yi's 'extra parts'” that Allen is interested in, the director's associates said, “but Lohan's private parts. At age 73, it's not easy for Woody to get a 'woody' anymore—at least, not from Soon-Yi, but with Lindsay, that might be a different matter altogether.”

Kyle Buchanan "Why Woody Allen Had Dinner with Lindsay Lohan". Vulture.com, June 15, 2012

Personal tools