UnNews:Despotic Tiger Slain in Failed Offensive on Sweden
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Despotic Tiger Slain in Failed Offensive on Sweden
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 27, 2016, 03:14:UTC)(
3 September 2008
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN - Crowds of people rose off of their couches and stepped into the streets for a parade this morning upon learning of last night's death of the tyrannical feline Ruffles.
The tiger used to be held at a small American zoo until he and his army of pawed comrades reenacted several George Orwell books at once. The army of animals, led by their fearless leader, spread out from the zoo and conquered the local village, enslaving the townspeople and executing all children. "Who's the goddamn kitty now?" said Ruffles in his televised manifesto.
The US Government, in a shocking turn of appeasement, granted Ruffles' wishes for fifteen jumbo jets and fifty pounds of hay, oats, and kibble shipped straight to Finland. Press secretary Dana Perino remarked that the United States didn't have time to deal with feline terrorists, and shipping them off to a desolate wasteland like Scandinavia was a step in the right direction.
Ruffles, his ego inflated by the tribute and kibble, touched down in Finland with plans for world domination. The nation's Eskimo Guard fell quickly, their furry armor easily torn apart by the lengthy hands of baboon mercenaries. The Kingdom of Animalia was promptly created, and the poor Finnish were enslaved without hope. But not for long.
Right out of the West (or East, or maybe South) came a Danish attack force of twenty five men: the National Guard plus a handful of 15 or so militia. Sadly, their Pastry Guns were rendered harmless by the mighty incisors of the animal army. A platoon of crocodiles moved into the Danish capital and claimed the land for its own. All of Scandinavia was poised to fall. The Norwegians called upon help from their Gods, but Odin's eight-legged horse had already turned on its master and eaten all the leaves off Yggdrasil in an act of afterlife-destroying defiance. All hope seemed lost as the rest of the world watched in horror.
In a move of hubris, Ruffles and a few hundred cohorts from bird nests all over Northern Europe prepared for an attack on Sweden. The invasion was a cakewalk until they reached Stockholm; little did they know that it was the only industrialized city in all of Northern Europe. They arrived at the city gates only to be confronted with disease and men with guns. Half of the army dropped dead from the infamous Stockholm Syndrome, while the other half was easily poached by exuberant, screaming Swedes. Among the fallen in battle was Ruffles, who uttered as his final words: "Why...won't...those...damn...humans...stop...SHRIEKING?!"
- Washington Irving When Animals Attack! It's just like the show, except now it's FOR REAL!. Washington Post-Lickers, August 29, 2008
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