UnNews:Desperate Man Resorts To Wikipedia
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Desperate Man Resorts To Wikipedia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 26, 2016, 12:16:UTC)(
19 August 2008
Auckland, New Zealand - Sources have revealed that at an unspecified time on Monday Night, local man Glenn Ryann, resorted to using a Wikipedia article to provide material for his masturbatory fantasies.
Ryann, an IT professional, has denied the allegations stating "I was in the middle of it, and clicked the wrong link! Its not easy doing this one handed ok?"
The article in question is in dispute, but Australian bookmaking website CentreBet has put odds at 3-1 on the Miley Cyrus Biography. An extensive seach through Ryann's history file is currently being undertaken by Authorities to determine exactly what sites were accessed during the prolonged session of masturbation.
"At this stage, we have managed to track at least 6 sites being used to fuel the self-abuse," Detective Greg Sommerfield announced, "but so far we have not been able to find the Wikipedia article in question."
Residents living in the same street as Ryann have expressed disgust at the mans actions. "My children are only 4 and 5 years old! I am disgusted." Said local woman Eileen Covers, "I mean, my CHILDREN watch that Hannah Montana show. God knows what would happen if they found out what that sicko was doing with her Wikipedia article!"Wikipedia Spokesmen have stated that they "Are Not Censored" and that because of their GNU Free Use Policy, whatever the articles are used for is up to the individual in question. However, both New Zealand and American Government spokespeople have said that they plan to conduct a massive joint investigation into the situation in an effort to have Wikipedia outlawed under Child Pornography statutes.
"The fact that the site has detailed biographies of under-age stars, with information about where they live, what they do, even contact details! Not to mention the pictures and lurid details of everything they have accomplished to date is simply too enticing and encouraging to perverts and freaks. Its time we did something!" AP
Ryann, after being informed of the fracas his masturbation has created, finally relented. "It wasn't Miley Cyrus dammit! It was the Clitoris article! Its got a picture of a vagina on it, alright? Its not my fault, I broke up with my girlfriend like a month ago, I needed a little stress relief!"
A poll conducted by UnNews has found that 92% of respondants do not care that Ryann broke up with his girlfriend, they still think whacking off to a Wikipedia article is pretty sick. AP