UnNews:Department of Homeland Security Ordered to Cut Spending

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21 April 2009

As United States President Barack Obama orders various departments to find ways to cut spending in their budget, Amy Rose, secretary of the Department of Homeland Security has submitted a release to the press as to what changes she will make to the department's budget, and how much each of those changes will save the American taxpayer.

“Though small, these changes in the Department of SONNIKKU will set the tone for future cuts and savings in the United States Govenment”
~ Amy Rose on budget cuts in the Department of SONNIKKU, not "Homeland Security"

The budget changes that Amy will carry out are as follows:

  • Start buying office supplies from reputable retailers instead of some guy off the street. Estimated savings: $12,350
  • Deport Alex Lifeson, Geddy Lee, and Neil Peart Estimated Savings: none (
    “I never liked Rush”
    ~ Amy Rose on Rush
    )
  • Build a wall on the border between America and Rush Limbaugh. Estimated Savings : $5,000 in aspirin for Barack Obama
  • Switch from fluorescent light bulbs to glow sticks. Estimated savings: $50
  • Buy Crack instead of Cocaine. Estimated Savings: $500
  • Fire the Blue Man Group. (
    “NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MY BLUE MAN GROUP!”
    ~ Amy Rose on these budget cuts
    ) Estimated savings: $23,518,332.22
  • Eliminate travel budget (but still expect employees to travel to their assignments). Estimated Savings: $9,876

These cuts, among other cuts from other departments, are only a small fraction of Barack Obama's nine quadrillion budget some call "spending into prosperity". Others criticize not cutting things that don't work, such as the Air Force, and Microsoft.

“Those cuts amount to buying an expensive plasma TV, the feeling bad about that large purchase and returning a cable!”
~ Glenn Beck on these budget cuts
“Oh, soooooryyyyyy mister apocalypse-is-coming-so-hate-Obama-because-he's-black!”
~ Amy Rose on Glenn Beck
“I don't hate Obama because he's black!”
~ Glenn Beck on Amy Rose's last quote
“You're a fucking ididot, you know that?”
~ Amy Rose on Glenn Beck

The debate rages on as Obama reviews the cuts, but one thing is clear: This is "change we can believe in" so says Barack Obama.

ObamaAmy

Barack Obama meets with Amy Rose after she accepts her job offer in early 2009.

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