UnNews:Department of Defense orders more sexual assault training

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15 May 2012

Sexass
Military orders sexual assault training

ARLINGTON, VA PENTAGON – Embarrassed by the quality of sexual assaults against female servicemen, brass at the Department of Defense have ordered more sexual assault training for its soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and Coast Guard corpsmen. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel commanded the armed services to “re-train, re-credential, and re-screen” thousands of military recruiters and sexual-assault officers in the “finer points of [such] assault,” vowing “we can do better!”

“Boys will be boys,” Hagel admitted, “especially when the ranks are full of hot young women who fill out their uniforms in ways that “just naturally get men's attention.” However, the fact that sexual assaults have “put the military services on the nation's radar” is a clear indication, he says, that service members need “further training” in the subtleties of conducting such assaults without drawing “unwarranted attention.”

Both President Obama and the U. S. Congress have expressed “outrage” over the increases in sexual assaults against female military personnel.

“I won't stand for it,” Obama declared, echoing the same statement he made recently concerning the Infernal Internal Revenue Service's assaults against conservative political groups and alleged cover-ups of the Benghazi fiasco. In each case, “additional training” is needed, the president said, “concerning how to conduct covert operations.”

Hagel agreed with his commander-in-chief. “As long as we're letting women and queers join the armed forces, there's going to be hanky panky,” he said, “but there's no need for anyone but those involved in it to know about it.”

He has urged the military services to adopt a “Kiss-But-Don't-Tell” policy that would make sexual assaults acceptable but would allow the military services to dishonorably discharge any serviceman who failed to conceal such assaults from “the prying eyes of the media.”

“Get some, by all means,” Hagel said, “but exercise a little discretion when you do.”

Reportedly, Obama favors Hagel's proposal for a “Kiss-But-Don't Tell” policy and Senator Harry Reid has vowed to “shove it right down the throats” of any and all Republicans who resist such legislation.

“If only we had had something like this on the books when Monica Lewinsky kissed and told,” the Senate majority leader lamented. “Bill Clinton would never have been impeached or disbarred and Hillary would still be speaking to him.”

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