UnNews:Depardieu bids adieu and departs

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4 January 2013

Gerard-bye

Gerard Depardieu bids adieu to France.

Paris, France --

After a long running, public, and at times, bitter tax dispute with the French government, Gerard Depardieu has found a new home for himself and his money: the actor has been welcomed with open arms by the isolated Tap-Tap-Klik tribesmen of central New Guinea.

Indications early on had been that Depardieu would be settling in Russia, after President/Prime Minister Putin's recent public offer of Russian citizenship. Depardieu, for unknown reasons a big star in Russia, has made many visits to the country in recent years and established strong ties with its entertainment industry and political elite. But in the end, the actor cited the country's rampant corruption as too large an obstacle to overcome.

Buffet

In happier times, Depardieu asks Putin where the buffet table is.

"What's ze point of moving my fortune to Russia, if tomorrow Putin can wake up in a bad mood and decide to throw me in ze jail and take it all away?" he is said to have commented during an off the record interview.

When told of Depardieu's comment and decision to move elsewhere, Putin is reported to have replied, "Nonsense. He decided to go somewhere else because I asked him to pose topless with me once while on a camping trip. He flatly refused, and it was awkward. Our friendship never recovered after that."

Before boarding a flight for New Guinea, Depardieu explained his decision to cast his lot with the Tap-Tap-Klik people.

"Zese people live in a state of nature. It's every man for 'imself, living free and unfettered by government and taxation. Even zough they have no currency, and no economy to speak of, to me zeir lifestyle seems like ze living embodiment of capitalism in its purest form."

Taptapklik

Hungry for more contact with Westerners.

Asked if the Tap-Tap-Klik people had placed any conditions on his adoption by the tribe, Depardieu said, "Nozing major. All zey wanted was zat I bring a very large cast iron cooking pot and a big bag of salt. I have no problem with zat, it's ze least I can do."

The actor has begun studying the language of his new people by attempting to decipher the only book in the Tap-Tap-Klik language known to exist. Only its title has thus far been translated, it is called How To Serve Man.


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