UnNews:Dentist includes breast massage in his practice
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.|
15 October 2007
|This news story is currently being recorded as an audio file by NXWave.|
|Sayeth NXWave: "Hold on... this one's mine!"|
WOODLAND, CA - According to Mark Anderson, a common jaw problem that is peculiar to women often responds, as he does himself, to bare breast massage. The problem is so common, in fact, he says, that he has administered bare breast massage to 27 of his 30 most recent female patients. The other three have a problem, too,” he declares, “but it’s related to their physical appearance, not their jaws, so they don’t need the treatment.”
More specifically, according to Anderson, his massage is a means of treating temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain, especially in young, attractive women with larger-than-average breasts.
The American Dental Association (ADA) found Anderson’s rationale logical enough to allow him to retain his dental license and to continue to practice dentistry pending the outcome of the hearing before them, although, for the time being, they have prohibited him from administering any more bare breast massages. He will also be required to practice dentistry in the presence of two supervisors, at least one of whom must be a flat-chested female.
One patient, Jeremy Phelps, a transsexual, sometimes visited Anderson in the guise of his feminine alter-ego, Samantha Divine, who wears a size 38DD bra. After being a recipient of Anderson’s unwelcome massage therapy, Divine began to wear tight blouses and high necklines, but these intended impediments, she said, “were no obstacles at all to Dr. Anderson. His Roman fingers and Russian hands continued to roam and rush.”
Anderson’s attorney, Robert Zaro, says that the massage therapy “really is therapeutic,” but he also attributes his client’s fondness of “mammary massage” to Anderson’s dream, as a youth, of becoming a masseuse.
“My parents wanted me to fill and drill teeth,” Anderson told his attorney, “so I became a dentist. What I wanted to do, though, was to alleviate the pain and agony that affects big-breasted women with temporo-mandibular joint disorder. I thought I’d found a way to enjoy the best of both worlds, but a few women mistook my intentions.”
“It’s too bad,” one of Anderson’s assistants said. “I have the same disorder, and I’ve found the doctor’s massages not only extremely sensual but also therapeutic and deeply satisfying.”
If the ADA dismisses the allegations against Anderson, the dentist will resume massages for patients who want them. “I’ll ask first, though,” he assured Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies, who is herself a buxom woman, though not a patient of Dr. Anderson’s.
- Lotta Lies "Somebody please tell him that women’s breasts are sometimes called “big brown eyes,” not eyeteeth". Instant News, 11 seconds ago