UnNews:Denny's number one customer dies at 112
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2 September 2006
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LOS ANGELES, California -- Long-time California resident George Johnson died today at the age of 112. He was California's last Revolutionary War veteran, and had many doctors baffled for years due to his eccentric diet of mostly sausages and waffles from Denny's, one of America's largest restaurant chains.
In remarkably good health for his advanced years, Johnson attributed his manly robustness variously to his accent, vegetable buggery, and his having wiggly antennae on his head. Although he was blind, deaf, and malodorous, he had not lost his sense of taste, a sense which sealed his fate to be long-lived long liver.
Introduced to a waffle and sausage breakfast by his mother, an elk from Anaheim, he soon became addicted to them due to a genetic anomaly called "Sausage and Wafflers Syndrome". He only strayed from his strict diet once in 1938, when he tried to eat an entire San Francisco trolley car on a bet. Emperor Norton, winner of this bet, invested the money in the first of a restaurant chain called "Denny's."
Johnson, who at age 88 broke records for dead lifting, decathalon, and eating his weight in sausage and waffles every three days. This made him something of a curiosity to the medical and witchcraft communities. In 1996, scientists at St. Luke of the Pustules Hospital in Los Angeles discovered a connection between the gene which causes sausage and waffle addiction, and longevity.
"When one or more senses become disabled, the other senses become strengthened. We think that his sense of taste was so strong, that his tongue became his primary of communication to the world. We are currently looking into the power of waffles and sausages as a life extending therapy," stated Dr. Ngo, an optometrist with no relation to this story other than the fact that he's a doctor and UnNews doesn't get interviews with people who are really pertinent to the story.
Johnson, who was featured on several commercials for Denny's, walked to the nearest Denny's for many years. Evidently, Johnson hadn't lost his sense of smell either, and could detect waffles and sausages from several miles away. One incident in 1999 suggests that his sense of smell may be keyed to "pig molecules" rather than just sausages.
"I was watching the tube and I heard some noise in the barn. So I went out there with my shotgun and saw Mr. Johnson with his stinky dentures biting into one of my hogs. So I grabbed him by his foot, dragged him out of the pen and told him to never come back here again," said Roger Mayfield, an Iowa farmer, "So he left, and I put a lock on my barn door."