This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
16 March 2007
CORNER OF GREED AND CORRUPTION, Washington -- In a recent exercise of the leverage given to the Democratic Party by their new majority in the House and Senate, congressional Democrats are putting up stiff resistance to Republican-backed "Eternal Darkness Week."
"We feel that the dawn of a new era of doom and evil may violate the public’s rights," said Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., who yesterday proposed a pro-sunlight bill titled the "Republicans Ate My Baby" bill, which, if passed, will put severe restrictions on conservative-backed consumption of human flesh. Despite staunch opposition from the right, the RAMB bill is expected to pass in the House. However, Sen. Joseph Lieberman (I-Ct.) may jeopardize the RAMB bill in the Senate, due to his strict "eeny-meeny-miny-moe" voting policy, and his pivotal balancing vote.
Debate continues on the Senate floor, both sides hoping to sway moderates. Tom Curley, CEO of the Associated Press and a strong pro-sunlight supporter, says that this is unlikely to happen. "There’s this distinct dichotomy in political opinions," he commented to his employees this morning. "Democrats are invariably stalwarts of light and justice, whereas Republicans are demonic barbarians intent on overturning all good in the world. Or the other way around. Whichever sells more newspapers."
Other pro-sunlight bills currently in consideration include the "Happy Face" bill and the "Let’s All Get a Pony" bill. The White House today issued an official condemnation of the sunlight movement. President Bush has threatened to use the first vetos of his term to block the wave of sunlight bills. Said a spokesperson for the president, "We feel that eternal darkness is the only path forward for America. It is simply unrealistic at this point to hope for any other solution. It has been proven time and time again that up to 95% of terrorists have greatly reduced vision at night, and supporting anything less than eternal darkness would undermine our troops." Sunlight supporters have firmly denied allegations of lack of patriotism, and have pledged to all go out and buy American flags for their porches.
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