UnNews:Democrats debate resolution to end war
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Democrats debate resolution to end war
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 19, 2017, 05:46:UTC)(
8 April 2007
The Democratic Congress today began debate on whether or not to debate a resolution that will require Al Qaida to stop blowing up Americans by june of two thousand eight.
Different versions of the bill are floating around the senate floor, mostly in the form of paper air planes. Each democrative presidential contender in the senate has their own version they hope to pass in order to gain brownie points.
Barack Obama has vowed to stop sending combat troops overseas, thus ensuring that the terrorists have no one to blow up.
Hilary Clinton, on the other hand, has asked that the terrorist's bullets be replaced with snickers, and has put forth three million dollars to fund her plan.
Ted Kennedy insisted that snickers might cause problems in those with peanut allergies, suggesting whiskey instead.
A more moderate proposal calls for terrorists either to blow up some part of America, or cease operations by 2008. Said the bill's sponsor:
"If terrorists cannot show some kind of initiative to attack us, we're going to simply withdraw funding. It was said that they would blow us up if democrats were elected. They said they would kill every infidel, they did not. The American people have been lied to enough. Either the terrorists need to show real progress or they need to stop this war."
Meanwhile, in an exclusive interview with Osama Bin Laden, commentators were shocked to hear that, in fact, no one pays attention to silly non-binding resolutions passed by the senate:
"I don't think you can measure the number of people we've killed here against a set deadline. Sometimes we kill thirty people in a month, but our swords get dull, so we must cut down on beheadings. It is unfair to put articial constraints on how many people we must kill."
President Bush reported that he was kind of busy running the government to comment on pointless political jabbering. He did however mention a rather unorthodox plan to actually fight some sort of new fangled "war" thing against terrorists. A Democratic congressmen, apparently offended by the intonation that Republicans are the only ones capable of action, said that he would debate the language of a non binding statement asking the President to please stop picking on congress by next Tuesday. Another resolution was soon circulated asking for the date to be set for friday, in order to take better advantage of the weekend.