This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
8 November 2006
Washington, DC. - In what has become somewhat of a biyearly event, secterian violence between Democrats (or "Blues") and Republicans (or "Reds") spilled into Congress once again. In somewhat of a surprise, the Blues were able to take the House of Representatives despite strong Red presence there and the fact the Blues hadn't held the chamber since 1994. As of the writing of this column, control of the Senate is still undecided, with Reds fending off Blues on many fronts, but still under heavy attack.
"We've already sustained heavy losses," said Maine incumbent Senator Olympia Snowe-R, who as of press time still maintained her seat, "but I am confident that we will win the day. We will never surrender!" Maine, like most New England states, has been a stronghold for the Blues, which makes her holding the seat surprising for those who don't realize she's a woman. Because, unlike the rest of Jesusland, Congress supports women's rights, like the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, Snowe and her fellow female Senators will be paid a stunning 50% of their male colleagues' salaries. (Related news: Nancy Pelosi to be paid 50 percent less than Dennis Hastert) Noting the strong support Americans have for the lesser gender, Lynne Cheney suggested that Americans would "see to it that the party of justice and fairness will win the day", and praised her husband's efforts to "unfetter and unchain women everywhere, liberating us from the oppression of the burqa and ushering us into the world of the bikini". As of press time, with the Blues likely to take back the Senate, it seems that Mrs. Cheney's prediction has proven correct.
The House was taken early in the night, with Representative Brad Ellsworth-D of Indiana coming out one of the big winners. "Well, I think it was only a matter of time before the rampant corruption wrought peril for our adversaries," Ellsworth stated. Ellsworth ran on the "look at me, I'm a country hick" platform that has worked so well for Reds in recent years. It is possible that he will be declared the leader of the House Blues, though that is actually very unlikely, as battle-hardened veterans generally get the nod.
The White House itself is surprisingly quiet given the recent violence. Traditionally, only every other purging is a "great purging," and as this is an "off-year," Bush's position seems secure. Many Blues, when enlisting help for their causes, suggested toppling Bush, but this was quickly dismissed as a bad idea, as it would make Dick Cheney the de facto leader of the Reds, and nobody wants that. Bush supporters gathered on the White House lawn to chant, "Two more years! Two more years!" before being dispersed by riot police.
“To lose one House is unfortunate, but to lose two is careless.”