UnNews:Deity seeks Gagging Order
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Deity seeks Gagging Order
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 24, 2017, 15:58:UTC)(
23 May 2011
LONDON, England -- The High Court today granted another in the series of Super-Injunctions prohibiting the publication of scandalous celebrity behaviour. Over the past three months eight such injunctions have come to light, covering the extra-marital affairs or shady business dealings of movie stars, footballers and politicians. The latest injunction covers the behaviour of an un-named deity, and expands the scope of the injunction from Great Britain to the rest of the world and through the whole of Space-Time.
The threat of legal action prevents our reporting the details of the affair. We are, however, allowed to report that the alleged events occurred in first century BC Palestine and that an illicit love-child was fathered by a deity referred to in the injunction only as JHVH. JHVH is said to have visited a “maiden of good virtue” on a number of occasions in the April of 1 BC. Gossip on Twitter suggests that not only was the “maiden” already engaged to be married to another (mortal) man, but was very possibly below the Judean age of consent.
In common with other super-injunctions, the identity of other participants in the alleged affair is not protected. Wronged fiancé, Joseph of Nazareth, was easily tracked down to “Herod’s Hooch House,” Haifa. Joseph refused to answer our questions about his wife’s infidelity – referring to her only as “the so-called Virgin Mary.” Bar-keeper Herod Agrippa confirmed that for the previous six months Joseph had seemed “a bit down-in-the-mouth” and '"unusually affluent for a part-time cabinet-maker.”
Several hours after our interview Joseph issued a statement through his lawyer in which he refused to confirm or deny the story, claiming that to do so would be dangerous. He further claimed that an “unseasonal, angry-looking storm-cloud” had been following him since November and that he had been warned by “an angel” that talking to the press risked a freak, highly-localised thunder storm overhead until such time as he stopped either speaking or breathing. When UnNews pressed Joseph on whether he really believed he had been visited by an angel he stated that “There was definitely some gay-looking bloke with wings. He was hovering above my bed with a harp. Mind you, I’d sunk a few pints that night.”
Later that day UnNews caught up with the woman at the centre of this drama, known to neighbours as “Good-Time Mary” and to police as habitual street-walker 456b." Mary also refused to answer our questions about JHVH but, when pressed, admitted that it was “T'was His promise of untold riches as turned the head of this innocent young lass, guv’nor,” adding, “Before I had time to say ‘No kissing on the lips’ He had my smock over my head and there was no stopping Him then – He is all-powerful, after all.”
Neighbours cast doubt on Mary’s claims to innocence. One claimed that she was “Fond of a soldier or two” while her friend added that “She’s been through most of the XXth Legion and still found time for the Samaritan Auxiliary Cavalry.” Mary, however, insisted that she had been utterly inexperienced at the time of the alleged affair. “Not that He was at all gentle with me,” she added. “And Him Super-human even in the trouser department.”
Both Joseph and his errant wife insist that, once she had fallen pregnant, not a Denarius in child-maintenance had been paid. Joseph complained that despite the alleged father’s wealth they had been forced to rely on the kindness of strangers to survive. “Three passing vagrants gave our little boy his start in life,” Mary said. “I put the Gold in little Jesus’ college-fund and we sold the Myrrh on E-bay to raise the deposit on a hovel. I had to use the Frankincense though. That barn we were in smelled like a barn!”
UnNews attempted to question the deity who has already been named on some Internet sites. But, despite knocking on the Pearly Gates of his $100 million luxury apartment in the upper atmosphere, no statement was forthcoming.
JHVH is not the only deity to have been granted a gagging order by the High Court. Only last month UnNews reported that a Greek God we’re only allowed to refer to as Big Z had fathered a string of love-children across the ancient world. Wikileaks printed e-mails showing that this highly placed Olympian had misused his supernatural powers to take advantage of classical beauties Leda and Europa. Questioned as to why any women would consent to sex with swans or bulls, Leda would only say that she had “Always been a bird-lover” while Europa merely claimed to be “Up for the challenge.”