UnNews:Defending champions, Philadelphia Phillies, already lose bid for playoffs
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Defending champions, Philadelphia Phillies, already lose bid for playoffs
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, October 24, 2016, 20:13:UTC)(
11 April 2009
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania -- The Phillies, most people think of them as the '08 World Series winning team, and you'd be right, but you'd be hard pressed to recognize them now. After October something happened to the Phillies. Was it witchcraft? No, probably not, but it was just as bad.
With their loss to the Colorado Rockies yesterday the Phillies have had their hopes of a repeat of last year completely shattered. “We were expecting a rough season this year,” said Phillies general manager Charlie Manuel “but I don’t think anyone thought it would be this rough.” As Charlie walked away a single tear could be seen running down his cheek.
After winning just one game against the Atlanta Braves last week the Phillies went on to play the Rockies in Denver losing the game twenty-four to three, bringing their record for the past ten games to 1-3. The Phillies go on to play the Rockies again tonight, but nothing good is expected. “I literally piss my pants even thinking about playing them again,” commented Jimmy Rollins after running into the Phillies’s locker room for the fourth time, “I mean, yesterday was terrible, and toda-“ Jimmy’s eyes grew wide and he started back to the locker room, “Excuse me.”
The Phillies are currently last in their division with a 1-3-0 record. This pales in comparison to last year when, by this time, their record was 13-0-1 and no loses. The shame on most players is just unbearable.
The chance of the Phillies making it into the playoffs, much less the World Series is calculated at this means, of course that the Phillies are statistically the worst team in baseball. Besides, you know, the Nationals.
In completely unrelated news, my fantasy baseball team is in dead last and seems to be staying there for quite some time.