UnNews:DefSec nominee Gates says America losing the War on Christmas
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DefSec nominee Gates says America losing the War on Christmas
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 02:36:UTC)(
6 December 2006
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WASHINGTON, DC -- Defense Secretary nominee Robert Gates stunned senators at his confirmation hearing today when he plainly admitted that "the U.S. is not winning the War on Christmas." The remark comes in stark contrast to the attitude of departing Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who continues to maintain that Christ, Santa, and all other symbols of Christmas are nearly vanquished.
The prolonged conflict against Christmas is now entering its 2006th year - longer than the War against Kwanzaa in the 70s, and the longest US military involvement since the "War against Egyptian Pagan Gods" which stretched from 5000 B.C. to 200 A.D. The Bush administration is looking for a way to save face and achieve victory, but the President staunchly refuses to even consider troop withdrawals until sectarian violence between Elves and Trolls is completely eliminated.
Critics still mock the President for claiming victory back in May of 2003, when the North Pole was occupied. Even the capture of Christian leader Santa Claus, found hiding in a spider hole two years ago, failed to abate the violence. Predictions of the Elves greeting Americans as liberators proved to be way off. Instead of flowers, the only presents US troops received were gift-wrapped improvised explosive devices. The newly elected government, headed by Prime Minister Rudolph the Reindeer, lacks support from the minority troll population.
Donald Rumsfeld had nevertheless maintained that the US strategy was working, and he clung to minor successes without acknowledging the dire reality on the ground at the North Pole. Amid widespread opposition, he was finally forced to retire after Republicans lost the mid-term Congressional elections last month. Bush immediately nominated Robert Gates, who accumulated experience from his father's administration in fighting the War on Easter.
Meanwhile, the War on Christmas took another grim turn over the weekend on the domestic front as Wal-Mart confirmed it would use the greeting "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" at its stores. Officially viewed as just a minor setback by the White House, Gates freely admitted it's a major defeat; senators from both sides of the aisle praised him for his candor.
Although the nominee didn't offer many concrete ideas to help win the War on Christmas, he did suggest an intra-religious conference and closer communications with other regional faiths - something the Bush administration has so far refused to do. It's believed that Muslims can play an integral role in helping to win the war. Outreach to Jews, however, is not seen as viable; Gates reminded the Senate that - "After all, Jesus himself was a Jew, so they would be disinclined to help in the War on Christmas."
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow stressed to reporters that although the President is willing and eager to listen to everyone about this war, he is still "The Decider." Anonymous sources say that Bush has in fact already decided to send more snowballs and snowblowers to the North Pole.