UnNews:Decapitation Found to Lead to Death
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Decapitation Found to Lead to Death
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 19:57 (UTC)
11 October 2008
At the prestigious Kevorkian Medical Research Clinic, current findings have researchers astounded. From the results of a recent study, participants in a study of the medical decapitation have shown several severe symptoms, the most notable being death. This comes as a complete surprise to the conductors of the study, to say the least. In the words of Dr. Hexavian, head of the study, "We're shocked, all previous research into this has shown medical decapitation to be an excellent cure for chronic migraines. We never expected to find these drasticly different results. At first we thought the problem was procedural, but after the first dozen subjects were tested we knew there had to be something we were overlooking. However by the time the second dozen subjects were processed we had confirmations that the previous studies had to have been in some way flawed. We have now found that we were basing our work on horribly done research that was in no way valid. It seems that this has been a total waste of time for all involved."
The study, begun with the intention of finding positive benefits from decapitation is now at a dead end. In the words of Dr. Pentavian, " I am not hopeful in thinking that we can find a way around these problems." But we have sufficient funding to repeat the study and a good supply of homeless people in the local area.
Medical decapitation, in several incarnations, has been used for several millenia. The ancient Egyptians found it useful to remove unpleasant facial features, often replacing it with the head of a revered animal. The Greeks used it to treat the smallpox, tuberculosis, influenza, Ebola, bubonic plague, acne, the common cold, depression, rubella, ingrown toenails (debatably), and warts. It was also found to be quite attractive, as can be seen in some of their remaining statues. The Roman Catholic Church has used it to cure insanity for centuries, although it is no longer widespread. The French at the turn of the 19th century used it to the fullest extent, performing operation after operation, sometimes on whole towns. Throughout history, medical decapitation has remained a favorite treatment for multitudinious ailments.
This leads to the major concern among the researchers involved in the study. How could they have gone so wrong? Why has medical decapitation remained in use? Why didn't we think to put color matched headbands and t-shirts on the subjects? All incredibly important questions, hopefully to soon be resolved.
- Do You Really Care? "[ Decapitation Found to Cause Death]". Massachusetts Institute of Misknowledgery, October 12, 2008