|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
5 June 2012
Ottawa, Canada -- As local psychopath and self-proclaimed hide-and-seek expert Luka Rocco Magnotta is being repatriated after an escape that lasted a whole week-end, Canadians are disagreeing over a crucial issue: shall the man be hung as soon as he disembarks the plane or after a trial? The dilemma the Canadian community is facing is that the law currently prohibits capital punishment, and it has been this way since the last pirate of the High Seas was thrown in a den full of starved grizzly bears in 1782. However, it is now apparent that a great chunk of the populace would like to make a small exception for Mr. Magnotta, who committed the most atrocious murder one can think of.
A huge confrontation has been observed in the Land of Maple Syrup as peasants made their way to the Parliament to voice their dissenting opinions on the matter. Two very distinct groups emerged. In the red corner, hailing from the Wild West, sporting axes under which many sequoias have fallen and wearing the mandatory checker shirts, the proponents for the return of the death penalty, "The Avenging Loggers"! In the blue corner, hailing from the Atlantic Provinces, wearing the standard fishermen apparels, reeking of rotten cod and bearing huge harpoons, the denizens who oppose the capital punishment, the "Merciful Seamen"!
A "feeling-out" affair got underway, involving much shouting and threats, with the Merciful Seamen seemingly getting a slight edge thanks to their aroma: several loggers have been spotted puking their pea soup out. But the psychological warfare soon degenerated into an all-out brawl, where the "Avenging Loggers" got the upper hand thanks to their unmatched axe wielding skills and their pro-death predispositions. Preliminary police reports estimate the death toll to be at least 3,000.
Meanwhile, the cause of all these shenanigans, Mr. Magnotta, plead "not guilty for temporary insanity" in his trial for first degree murder, rape and torture. A verdict was rendered: a $300 fine and a slap on the hand by the magistrate. Canadian lawyers stated that in this country, if you are to commit a crime and want to avoid jail, make it the most hideous crime possible and be prepared to look a judge in the eyes and solemnly swear: "Your Honor, I am batshit insane."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|