UnNews:Death fridge terrorizes nation
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Death fridge terrorizes nation
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 29, 2017, 04:12:UTC)(
14 February 2007
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CNN WERLD NOOS HEDKWOARTURRZ, New York -- CNN, America's constant source of ridiculous crap, recently reached the shocking conclusion that the unfortunate death of Anna Nicole Smith was a result of foul play. The primary suspect is her fridge, who is being referred to as her "death fridge."
CNN reported that "The contents of the fridge can tell us how she died." The report went on to say that "your fridge could be after you as well." The reporter then left to check that their break room fridge was not a death fridge.
This shocking information has left parts of the southern United States, as well as the American heartland in a state of panic, mainly because they only watch CNN. Gary Truman, leader of the witch hunt out to destroy these death fridges, spoke with our reporter.
"We gotta get dem fridges that killed that there beautiful gerl! ANY fridge could be one-a dem death fridges, and we're gonna git em all! Bastards!"
Obviously, some part of America believes in death fridges, making them deadly real to somebody. Most major cities have been overrun with these kitchen-appliance-hating mobs, resulting in 3 deaths in Boston and 2 dead and 4 injured in Los Angeles, all trampled by the crowds rushing into homes to destroy fridges.
CNN.com also featured a handy guide on how to tell if you have a death fridge lurking behind you in your kitchen. Ask yourself the following:
- Has my fridge been killing public figures?
- Does my fridge have Slim-Fast/worcestershire sauce in it?
- Is my fridge self-aware?
- Do I keep bottled water in my fridge?
- Am I hallucinating because I've been awake for days on diet pills?