UnNews:Death Race 2006 promises favorites, new faces, fierce competition
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Death Race 2006 promises favorites, new faces, fierce competition
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, January 22, 2017, 08:34:UTC)(
6 October 2006
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WASHINGTON (AC) -- This year's Death Race is expected to be one of the most exciting in years, with returning champ President Frankenstein facing a field of particularly aggressive newcomers who might just take the Death Race crown (head included).
Of course, every Death Race brings out a crop of fresh faces, since less than 7 percent of drivers survive even one race. But this year winners from regional events should prove to heighten competition and blood flow. The Grin Reaper, winner of the New Los Angeles CARnage, and Tomahawk Frankie Viterbo, champion of the Detroit Motor Meat will be among the new drivers on hand, so fresh from their recent wins they're still picking moist brain tissue out of their radiators.
Viterbo, cousin of late fan favorite Machine Gun Joe Viterbo, who gave Frankenstein a run for his money in the year 2000 Death Race, is hoping to avenge his cousin, while at the same time position himself to become new President. "I have what I think are some fresh ideas for reorganizing some important public welfare programs," said Viterbo. "Public health, including school lunch and immunization programs, would be a focus of my administration... if I don't end up as highway hamburger".
In a recent press conference, President Frankenstein said he welcomed the new competition, and answered questions about his own enthusiasm for the event, after nearly a decade of consecutive wins. "I'd like to think I'll always win, but there's confidence and then there's reality," he chuckled. "I still think the race provides a necessary diversion to the citizens, and plan on being a part of it as long as I can."
The past few years have focused more on long stretches of straight highway, which increased speed but sacrificed blood and guts. Organizers of this year's transcontinental course have planned to include more major population centers, which should give the competitors more chances to gain points from curfew violators and suicides.
The race starts Sunday, October 15, at sunrise in Boston, Mass. Since by law it will be broadcast on all major and minor networks, cable and podcast systems, there's no need to check your local listings.