UnNews:Dead pregnant marine divorced

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Megan Lynn Touma, a US army [[Dentist|dental specialist]], was divorced this Wednesday in a local hotel room in [[North Carolina]], not far from the gas station where the walking [[corpse]] of 20-year-old US marine corporal Maria Lauterbach was discovered this past [[January]].
 
Megan Lynn Touma, a US army [[Dentist|dental specialist]], was divorced this Wednesday in a local hotel room in [[North Carolina]], not far from the gas station where the walking [[corpse]] of 20-year-old US marine corporal Maria Lauterbach was discovered this past [[January]].
   
Authorities released a statement calling Touma's divorce ''"disgusting and harmful to [[America]]!"'', and also said, ''"if it weren't for our shortage of soldiers, she'd be discharged faster than [[diarrhoea]]."''
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Authorities released a statement calling Touma's divorce ''"disgusting and harmful to [[America]]!"'', and also said, ''"if it weren't for our shortage of soldiers, she'd be discharged faster than [[diarrhea]]."''
   
 
''"The divorce of Specialist Touma is [[immoral]],"'' the 18th Airbourne Corps at Fort Bragg, where Touma arrived for duty earlier in [[May]], said in a statement. ''"This is the '''second''' time she trounced upon our [[Traditional Values|Christian beliefs]]. First, by becoming a [[zombie]]. Then, she violated [[God|God's]] wishes by getting divorced! How dare that [[liberal]] [[slut]]! What's next?!? An [[abortion]]?!?"''
 
''"The divorce of Specialist Touma is [[immoral]],"'' the 18th Airbourne Corps at Fort Bragg, where Touma arrived for duty earlier in [[May]], said in a statement. ''"This is the '''second''' time she trounced upon our [[Traditional Values|Christian beliefs]]. First, by becoming a [[zombie]]. Then, she violated [[God|God's]] wishes by getting divorced! How dare that [[liberal]] [[slut]]! What's next?!? An [[abortion]]?!?"''
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[[Category:Undead]]
 
[[Category:Undead]]
 
[[Category:Zombies]]
 
[[Category:Zombies]]
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[[Category:Pregnancy UnNews]]

Latest revision as of 19:33, December 14, 2011

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27 June 2008

Zombie pong

This is what we expect her unborn child to become when he is born. Sad, sad fate.

WASHINGTON D.C. -- On Wednesday, the US military announced the "horrific" divorce of a dead 23-year-old pregnant US soldier, the second female service member this year to divorce before carrying her child to term.

Megan Lynn Touma, a US army dental specialist, was divorced this Wednesday in a local hotel room in North Carolina, not far from the gas station where the walking corpse of 20-year-old US marine corporal Maria Lauterbach was discovered this past January.

Authorities released a statement calling Touma's divorce "disgusting and harmful to America!", and also said, "if it weren't for our shortage of soldiers, she'd be discharged faster than diarrhea."

"The divorce of Specialist Touma is immoral," the 18th Airbourne Corps at Fort Bragg, where Touma arrived for duty earlier in May, said in a statement. "This is the second time she trounced upon our Christian beliefs. First, by becoming a zombie. Then, she violated God's wishes by getting divorced! How dare that liberal slut! What's next?!? An abortion?!?"

The US military has struggled with a growing epidemic of divorced and undead female soldiers since Bill Clinton okayed fags joining the military in 1993. Sgt. Rapist reports divorces by service members increased by 40% in 2005 and again by 24% in 2006 before declining slightly in 2007.

Of the 4,349 divorces reported last year, 10% were Jews and 61.77% involved military or government officials.

An accompanying survey found the number of zombiefied service members increased by 122% since the start of the Iraq War. John McCain blames this surge of zombies on the Democrat's misuse of nuclear waste.

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