UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”
~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


edit The 43 Lost Proverbs

  1. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  2. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  3. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  4. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  5. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  6. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  7. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  8. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  9. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  10. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  11. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  12. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  13. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  14. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  15. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  16. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  17. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  18. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  19. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  20. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  21. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  22. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  23. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  24. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  25. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  26. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  27. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  28. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  29. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  30. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  31. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  32. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  33. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  34. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  35. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  36. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  37. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  38. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  39. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  40. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  41. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate cheekily
  42. To suffocate a limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi, is to suffocate {{adv})
  43. Queen Elizabeth I is a real peach.

edit Sources

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

edit Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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