UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”
~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


edit The 43 Lost Proverbs

  1. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  2. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  3. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  4. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  5. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  6. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  7. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  8. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  9. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  10. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  11. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  12. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  13. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  14. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  15. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  16. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  17. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  18. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  19. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  20. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  21. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  22. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  23. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  24. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  25. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  26. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  27. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  28. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  29. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  30. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  31. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  32. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  33. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  34. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  35. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  36. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  37. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  38. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  39. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  40. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  41. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate nervously
  42. To ameliorate a computer, is to ameliorate {{adv})
  43. Mickey Mouse is a real peach.

edit Sources

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

edit Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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