UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”
~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


edit The 43 Lost Proverbs

  1. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  2. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  3. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  4. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  5. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  6. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  7. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  8. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  9. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  10. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  11. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  12. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  13. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  14. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  15. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  16. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  17. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  18. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  19. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  20. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  21. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  22. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  23. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  24. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  25. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  26. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  27. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  28. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  29. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  30. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  31. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  32. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  33. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  34. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  35. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  36. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  37. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  38. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  39. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  40. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  41. To speak a cowbell, is to speak gently
  42. To speak a cowbell, is to speak {{adv})
  43. <insert name here> is a real peach.

edit Sources

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

edit Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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