UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”
~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


edit The 43 Lost Proverbs

  1. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  2. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  3. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  4. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  5. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  6. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  7. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  8. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  9. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  10. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  11. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  12. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  13. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  14. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  15. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  16. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  17. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  18. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  19. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  20. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  21. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  22. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  23. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  24. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  25. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  26. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  27. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  28. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  29. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  30. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  31. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  32. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  33. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  34. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  35. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  36. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  37. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  38. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  39. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  40. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  41. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide poorly
  42. To divide a lawn mower, is to divide {{adv})
  43. Queen Elizabeth I is a real peach.

edit Sources

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

edit Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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