UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”
~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


edit The 43 Lost Proverbs

  1. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  2. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  3. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  4. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  5. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  6. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  7. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  8. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  9. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  10. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  11. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  12. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  13. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  14. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  15. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  16. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  17. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  18. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  19. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  20. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  21. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  22. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  23. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  24. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  25. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  26. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  27. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  28. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  29. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  30. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  31. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  32. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  33. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  34. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  35. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  36. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  37. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  38. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  39. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  40. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  41. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ rhythmically
  42. To employ a lawn mower, is to employ {{adv})
  43. Pythagoras is a real peach.

edit Sources

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

edit Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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