UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”
~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


edit The 43 Lost Proverbs

  1. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  2. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  3. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  4. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  5. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  6. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  7. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  8. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  9. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  10. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  11. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  12. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  13. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  14. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  15. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  16. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  17. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  18. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  19. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  20. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  21. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  22. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  23. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  24. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  25. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  26. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  27. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  28. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  29. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  30. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  31. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  32. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  33. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  34. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  35. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  36. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  37. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  38. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  39. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  40. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  41. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate distastefully
  42. To masturbate a needle, is to masturbate {{adv})
  43. Bart Simpson is a real peach.

edit Sources

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

edit Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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