UnNews:Dead Caine pics exclusive!!!
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Dead Caine pics exclusive!!!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 21, 2017, 07:44:UTC)(
8 June 2009
Los Angeles, California - In the stupidest move since the family's last, Keith Carradine has warned the press not to release any photos of his dead half brother or face the consequences. Keith is now in contact with the FBI to have them go to Thailand to investigate the death of David "Kwai Chang Caine" Carradine. Apparently Keith doesn't wish embarassment for David or his family. Besides the embarassment of being caught dead with a rope tied around your genitals as you tried to pleasure your lonely self, that is.
Several groups have expressed surprise at this. For starters, FBI spokesman Jack Awff has said, "Does Keith think that the FBI is like the Police Academy movies or the COPS TV show? That we're just going to yell out 'road trip' and have an 'FBI in Thailand' special? Has he ever heard of that little thing we like to call 'jurisdiction'?"
He was not alone in his surprise. Movie maven and television afficionado Peter Puller said, "Let me get this straight, Kwai Chang Caine came from Asia to look for his half brother in America 150 years ago, and now Keith Carradine is going to leave America to go investigate David's death in Asia? A script that goofy and even David wouldn't have starred in it!"
But most surprised of all were the press. As Otto E. Rahtic of the Press Corp said, "What, does Keith hate his brother? We were probably going to show those pics sometime later, but if he insists on forbidding us to, we'll be happy to show them now. Let's see, who won the lottery on this one? Oh, that would be UnNews Reporter Clemens177, who paid me just slightly more then the guy from smokinggun did. Guess he has first crack at publishing the exclusive first photo."
And it's an opportunity that this reporter is well 'up' for. I did crop it for tastefullness (after all, the 13 year old ladyboy was found innocent of wrong doing) and to meet the standards of this forum. But this exclusive shot came from the maid, Rosy Palm, who was peeking in at times to see what the "strange Yankee" was doing. In an interview with her, she related to me, "I look in at Yankee, and...hee, hee, hee...the Yankee was yankee! So I velly quick take pic! Is good, yes?"
Indeed it was. And I hope it was good for David, too.