12 March 2008
STUCK UP PRUDES were up in arms today after plump daytime TV host Fern Britton began to "masturbate ferociously" whilst conducting an interview with an historian, whose interest in wartime farming practices was evidently boring her. Instead of cutting away to co-host Philip Schofield, who was exposing himself to floor staff at the time, cameras filmed tight shots of her as she proceeded to "fiddle with her particulars" using a variety of sex toys.
It began, sedately enough, with Miss Britton and co-host Phillip Schofield about to talk to 75-year-old Gwen Dyldo. Mrs Dyldo, it turned out, was an insufferable bore as she began to discuss the merits of steam powered threshing machines for three, uninterrupted minutes. It was not long before Fern decided to inject a bit of "spicy sauce" into the interminably boring item.
Matters rapidly ran out of control when Miss Britton was seen fondling her "downstairs arrangements" and fishing "a battery powered implement for the specific use of solo sexual gratification" from her handbag. At one stage she squealed: "Oh my gosh it's got a mind of its own! It's going a bit fast now. My "love button" has gone a bit numb now!"
"An interesting piece of machinery," she giggled.
Just when viewers thought things could not get any more embarrassing, Miss Britton inserted another "powered object of questionable moral purpose" up her "rear passage-way" and proceeded to squeak in distracted abandon seemingly oblivious of the offence caused to the daytime TV audience of bored house-wives, dole scroungers and crusty old bags.