UnNews:Daycare center gives children heroin
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Daycare center gives children heroin
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 04:18:UTC)(
5 March 2007
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WATAUGA, Texas -- The owners of Watauga's most popular daycare center, Demetrius McCoy's Learning Camp, were reportedly shocked today, when they turned on the news to find footage of their school's toddlers injecting heroin.
The thirteen children, all between the ages of 2 and 4 years, were seen on the tape with several hypodermic needles, injecting what allegedly appeared to be heroin. The footage shows Shatorria Russell, head of the center, handing out needles to the kids, convincing them it was their annual flu shot, while serving cookies and juice. Despite the raw evidence, the center denies that anybody was around when the children were shooting up. They proceeded to tell us that the footage was actually shot at night, and that they had no idea how the toddlers had gotten into the school. About 4 seconds after hearing this, the footage of the video we were watching got to the point where Shatorria walked outside, shielded her eyes to block out the sun, and stared directly into the camera, waving.
In addition, this morning, as this Uncyclopedian struggled to remain awake in the pursuit of truth, it was revealed through a series of hidden tapes, records, and tons of discarded juice boxes that, at one point or another, 97% of the city's 9 and under population have taken part in this deadly daycare debauchery. Even children who have allegedly never been near the building have been tested, and found to have abnormally high traces of heroin in their blood. And, when I say "abnormally high," I don't mean abnormally high for a 4 year old. I mean abnormally high for Serj Tankian on an average Saturday afternoon.
Russell was reported as saying (several times in fact), "I know we don't mean to never hurt nobody's children."
Strangely enough, no relatives to any of the children could be found. This baffled scientists to the point that their heads merely asploded. Child Protective Services has begun investigating the family, and Texas' top doctors have told us that the excessive amounts of heroin in the children's blood will probably only yield minimal long-term effects, other than that leaving them virtually unscathed.
Mrs. Russell and the center have not been charged with any crime, due to the fact that Watauga operates under a creative commons license. Said Sgt. Robert Parker of the Watauga Police Department, "Well, they gave them heroin. It may not be common, but it sure as hell is creative."
Restrictions on the heroin content allowed have been put on the center, and they were given a swift slap on the wrist. Classes resume next Monday, as the school has also announced they will be admitting all ages. A vast turnout is expected on Back2School Day.