UnNews:Davy Jones dies, age 66; nobody cared
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Davy Jones dies, age 66; nobody cared
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 05:17:UTC)(
1 March 2012
Florida, United States -- Davy Jones has died. He was 66 years and 61 days old, but he looked not a day older than fifty. His publicist said it was a heart attack. No surprise there, as he had had man boobs. If not, maybe it was because he took drugs.
However, it did come as a great shock, because 66 years isn't that old, right? But nobody cared. His three wives and four daughters were unavailable for comment, because although they cared, nobody else did. Maybe his third wife is now a widow, because nobody said they were divorced. Peter Tork, however, said this: "Adios to the Manchester cowboy."
He was the only other person who cared.
edit His life
David Thomas Jones was born 30 December 1945, in Manchester, England. His mom died of emphysema when he was fourteen, and he became a jockey. No surprise there, because he was very short, only five feet, three inches, at the latest estimate.
Sometime in the late 1950s or early 60s, a fellow jockey discovered his great talent at acting and told him to do a career in acting. So that's what he did. And in 1966, some guy brought him together with Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, and Mickey Dolenz to form....THE MONKEES!!! (Also known as the "Pre-fab Four.")
For two years, the Monkees made really catchy bubblegum songs. They got stuck in your head easily, but nobody cared about the actual episodes. Then they did the movie Head, which was a tremendous success, considering they were all so stoned, that in the part where that one girl gave them all a kiss, they didn't really do anything. They just let her kiss them, perhaps not even realizing that she was sharing all their germs. Ewwww!
Sometime in 2009, the Monkees did a comeback tour. Nobody cared, but it was okay.
Also, once, he appeared in a SpongeBob Squarepants cartoon, singing "Daydream believer" way out of key, as a pun on "Davy Jones' locker."
Later in his life, Davy Jones made some really rude jokes about how everybody else was getting old and he wasn't. Well, I guess the karma got to him, because he died in his sleep, 29 February 2012, somewhere in Florida, and all those people he made jokes about are still alive.
Rest in peace, Davy Jones. Wherever you are now, just remember that we will only remember you every four years.
- BBC news "Davy Jones of the Monkees dies aged 66". BBC, 29 February 2012
- Some guy on YouTube "This is so funny, it might even cheer up his widow a bit.". YouTube, 28 February 2009
- somebody else on YouTube "Davy's rude jokes....and other stuff". YouTube, 11 January 2010
- Yet another person on YouTube "Davy Jones' locker". YouTube, 16 October 2011