|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
19 January 2007
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Miami-Dade, Florida - Eye experts confirmed today that a cure for blindness has been found, and it's David Caruso's tears. Tests have revealed that the miraculous liquid restores vision in 100% of cases, regardless of whether the blindness is caused by retina damage, cataracts, eye loss or seeing your grandparents at it. According to the UnNews eye doctor, the CSI: Miami star's sobbings could spell the end of blindness, revealing a world of color and beauty to those afflicted by the condition. There's just one problem: Caruso refuses to cry!
Citing 'artistic integrity', the ginger poser has rebuffed all efforts to make him weep, stating that "I don't cry on demand. Creeps cry on my demand", before turning to the side and putting on his sunglasses. The Who, seemingly on command, proceeded to scream, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Repeatedly. UnNews reporters tried to talk to him face-to-face, but he just kept turning and saying "Bag it, tag it, take it away."
Caruso's embarrassed PR people explained that he needs to spend all his time in character to maintain his muse. The only way any tears can be collected is if scriptwriters agree to get Caruso's character, lieutenant Horatio Caine, to cry during the filming of CSI: Miami, otherwise millions of sightless people could miss out on all the beauty of the rainbow.
edit Plot changes
Luckily, big-hearted studio bosses have stepped in, stating that the newest series will have plenty of opportunities for Caruso to start blubbering, whilst keeping the show's trademark mixture of sassyness and implausible science intact.
According to one trusted source, a crazy old man who lives in a trashcan behind the studio, the new series of CSI: Miami will open with a prostitute's headless torso being found in a barrel of fermenting onions. The scene where the barrel gets opened is sure to get Caruso's tear ducts working overtime, our source said, as we plied him with cigarettes and whiskey. Technicians will be onhand to catch the precious tears, and to tranquilize Caruso if he tries to resist.
The Death in an Onion Barrel episode is only the start of new plots designed to get Caruso sobbing. New character traits for Horatio that are likely to prove controversial include an allergy to fingerprint powder and constantly getting married, with the bride dying immediately afterwards. In the series finale, following a shoot-out at a sneezing powder factory, Horatio's latest wife (blonde gun-fetishist ballistics expert Calleigh) is killed when the Miami-Dade police headquarters is destroyed by a suitcase nuke, giving Caruso all the reason he needs to cry like there's no tomorrow. Then the rest of Miami is destroyed by a normal-sized nuke.