|This article is part of UnNews||Where man always bites dog|
06 November 2012
Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates -- David Cameron, the British prime minister, today offered to suck-off leaders across the Middle East in a backroom toilet for loose change in a bid to shore up Britain's ailing balance of payments. Mr. Cameron, leading a delegation of sex workers, claimed that "the deal is fully legitimate, we really will do practically anything for ten pounds. You can even bring a mate for an extra fiver." The prime minister is touring the Middle East currently and it is hoped that his consistent whoring will generate better relations, invaluable publicity and literally hundreds of pounds for British industry.
Mr. Cameron projected an upbeat and confident image of Britain that he hopes will attract business to Britain: "Britain is united by its Blitz spirit in times of difficulty, and this is means we can be denigrated, humiliated and destituted like no other country. Yes, times are difficult, but that presents opportunity. If we relentlessly whore ourselves out like no other country then we can really steal the march on lazy, non-prostitutey countries like Sweden." Mr. Cameron was then interrupted by an irascible Jordanian, who threw money at the prime minister's feet and demand he "pick it up with his mouth, naked ... and humming I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue".
UnNews spoke to several other members of the delegation. Marion Atherwick, a 43 year old prostitute from Solihull thought that "David is doing a lovely job. Earlier on today he sucked off three fat Saudi princes. Had them all done and dusted in 20 minutes. I suppose it must have been all that practice that he got at Eton." Ron Michaels, a pimp and brothel owner from Ipswich was also positive: "Well he can't really run a country very well but buttering up foreign dignitaries with sexual favours is something of a forte. I mean he's got more sucking power than a Henry Hoover. About as much charisma as one too. Still, if his mouth is full of cock it doesn't really matter. In fact it's an improvement"
It was not all positive, however, as there have been allegations of corruption in previous dealings with Middle Eastern countries and, even more controversially, claims that they have been covered up. Prince Faysal-al-Muktar-Saud, Emir of Bezzle-Hment, rigorously denied the claim from the window of his Rolls-Royce."Listen, we might stone women to death, we might promote regional terrorism, we might use a cartel to control world oil prices, but all of these things we do in an above board manner. Why would we need other countries to buy us hookers and blow, when we have billions of petro-dollars? What you should remember is you need our money more than we need your cheap and easy politicians tonsils pressed up against our bell-ends, so shut up and take it." Mr. al-Muktar-Saud then proceeded to crash his luxury car into a swimming pool filled with orphans.
Professional whingers and NGO Amnesty International have also raised the issue of offering British women to countries with such a poor record on human rights. Spokesperson and generally well-meaning upper class spokesman, Tim Sorton, said "I don't think it is ethical for us to just bend over and take whatever for a pittance in any instance. However, when it is countries with such beastly records on human rights as Bahrain, then it is really beyond the pale." Mr. Sorton declined to comment when asked whether any of the aforementioned countries actually gave a shit about what Amnesty thought.
- Ian Black "David Cameron: UK arms sales to Gulf countries 'legitimate'". Guardian, November 6, 2012