UnNews:David Cameron cuts short summer sojourn to attend photo opportunity
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
9 August 2011
LONDON, England -- British Prime-minister David Cameron has today taken the opportunity to return to the sunkissed fields of England fresh from looking pained and uncomfortable in some murky Mediterranean backwater. Following the ongoing debt crisis Cameron has flown back to look angry and determined to act in front of specially selected members of the media. In what many are privately considering to be an attempt to distract attention from the Governments own failings a decision has been made to punish those whom may be considered responsible for some of the crisis.
Parliament will be recalled on Thursday so MPs can debate the events that have engulfed the City of London and are spreading across the EU, David Cameron has announced. In a statement given outside No 10 Downing Street, the Prime-minister also said the number of police officers on the streets of London on Tuesday night would be increased by 10,000 to 16,000 and all leave would be cancelled. There would also be many more arrests, although he couldn't say for sure who, and court proceedings would be speeded up to enable offenders to be punished quickly.
Amongst the first arrested was Bob Diamond, head of Barclays, who was still reeling from his £6.5m bonus (down £0.2m from 2007), who had called earlier this week for the Government to hold firm on austerity. Plans to have him beheaded and impaled upon Traitors Gate have met with widespread support, though many within the major banking establishments are shocked by the reaction from Westminster.
In his statement, Cameron strongly condemned the actions of the bankers. "These are sickening scenes – scenes of people looting, thieving, robbing. This is criminality, pure and simple, and it has to be confronted and defeated," he said. The prime minister said he felt "huge sympathy" for the families who have suffered and the businesses "who have seen their lives smashed and livelihoods potentially ruined".