UnNews:David Blaine to die for our Sins
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David Blaine to die for our Sins
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 11:16:UTC)(
20 September 2009
LONDON, England - Magician David Blaine has announced plans to spend seven hours nailed to a crucifix. The illusionist, who spent a 62-hour stunt sealed in an ice block in New York's Times Square in 2003, is having a cross constructed of gopher wood and is planning to drag the 200 pound crucifix along the Via Dolorosa while being scourged. After an unspecified time, Blaine plans to ask a member of the audience to plunge a spear into his side, hastening his death. On-line auctioneers, E-Bay, have agreed to handle the sale of this honour and by midday yesterday bidding had already reached $45,000. A spokesman for E-bay said, “People have been contacting us offering money to spear him after death, or just kick the corpse.”
Blaine, 35, endured 44 days in a glass box for a starvation stunt in London in 2003 and denied that the stunt would be a health and safety risk. “I’ve been training pretty hard for this one. Until yesterday I’d been out in the desert for forty days and forty nights without food or water, just tending the flocks. I’m a pretty good shepherd now.” Religious groups and the Church of England combined to condemn the plan as blasphemous. Blaine, however, denied that the event had any sacrilegious overtones, “I’m just offering to die for your sins. A little gratitude would be nice” he said during yesterday's press-conference. UnNews contacted mayor of London, Boris Johnson, for his response. Speaking from Hampstead Heath, Mr Johnson relied “Er, yes, well, um. I’m not sure that I have the authority to ban him from continuing, it’s outside my jurisdiction. I’m pretty sure that Golgotha is in Israel, or Palestine or somewhere dreadful like that.”
The magician will be nailed to the crucifix at midday and plans to die as the sky turns black and the temple curtain is rent in two. Following this, his body is to be cleansed with oils, wrapped and sealed in a nearby tomb, though Blaine claims that he will still be attending the Magician’s Guild meeting in Las Vegas later in the year. Blaine's London stunt, in which he was suspended in a glass box by the river Thames, saw him heckled by crowds. His box was also hit by missiles including golf balls, eggs and excrement. Though Blaine seemed shocked by the hostility of the British public at times, he blamed "pharisees" in the crowd for orchestrating the attacks.
Blaine's spokesman Pat Smith said the magician did not expect to receive similar attacks in Jerusalem “while taking responsibility for the evil that men do.” He said: "Anytime he's done anything in New York, the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. We’re hoping Jerusalemers are just as cool about this kind of thing, they seem pretty relaxed." Blaine is to get a two-way audio link, allowing the media to interview him during the challenge and in the run up to the planned resurrection. Asked how he was intending to spend the final days before his execution Blaine replied "I just want to relax and do some every day shit. I have a cousin, John, I plan to visit. He wants to go swimming in the River Jordan. Then I was planning to ride back to Jerusalem on a donkey, cure the lame, raise the dead, visit a temple, maybe change some water into wine - that kind of thing."