UnNews:Darth Vader retires to cottage in the country
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Darth Vader retires to cottage in the country
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 23:03:UTC)(
23 September 2006
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CHUM BY THE SEA, Wales -- Darth Vader today announced his retirement from his position as "Dark Lord of the Sith". The man behind the mask today told UnNews that he was tired of ruling the galaxy and having an army at his disposal and that all he really wants is "a cottage with flowers round the door".
This announcement of retirement has had varying responses from the communities he ruled, from partying in Mos Eisley to enraged protests in Brighton, Vader has watched it all with a bemused smile on his mask, mainly because he's stuck a piece of paper with a smiley face on it over the front with sellotape.
Darth Vader claims to have had a long and arduous life of adventure, pillaging and generally being manipulated. He hopes to be able to avoid all those people who want him dead, want to shake his hand, and who claim they are long-lost relatives who need a favour.
His new cottage, with 20,000 acres of land around it, is rumoured to be located somewhere in Jesusland, but all quesions as to its whereabouts have been answered with a swift beheading and the questioner's corpse being incinerated by a quick blast of nucular radiation.
Darth Vader is also rumoured to be looking for a hubby to settle down and have children with, "Unlike that bitch Padme who gave birth to that brat Luke." All offers can be sent to nowhere where they will be incinerated and their souls consumed.