UnNews:Darling rubbishes English economy crash

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22 November 2007

Darling rubbishes English economy crash


Alistairdarling

Treasurer Alistair Darling says English should stop wining and thank Scots for drinking to their misery.

The British Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling has rubbished claims that England’s failure to reach the finals of Euro 2008 in Switzerland and Austria will cost the country £2bn in lost revenue, but only thanks to his fellow Scots north of the border having a nationwide party to celebrate the worst England result in years after a 3-2 defeat to world superpower Croatia.

Sports businesses are warning that England's failure to qualify for the Euro 2008 football tournament will hurt their profits next year with England's kit manufacturer Umbro, and the retailer Sports Direct both issuing statements warning of the impact of the team's loss to Croatia on Wednesday. One supplier points out that it’s not just the strips not being sold next summer, but the lack of beer that won’t be drunk and the lack of broken chairs / tables from riots. Repair companies will be put out of business and what about your average lout on the street corner that’s always selling the scarves and flags? He’ll probably have to go back to peddling drugs on the streets so the problems will go a lot deeper.

Energy company NPower also reported losses of £23 million on the night of the game, which is thought to be the result of English families burning their football tops and team kits instead of using the central heating. Flight operator EasyJet are also considering cancelling all flights from Heathrow to Geneva if stay away fans won’t make the flights worth their fuel costs. Other flight operators are also worried that David Beckham now won’t make his Trans-Atlantic journey every two days. One air stewardess from Los Angeles is already thought to have been sacked as the result of company cutbacks.

Scotlandfans

Scotland fans filled pubs after Croatia win (sorry, England defeat) to inject millions of pound back into the nation's coffers.

However, Despite Scotland not qualifying for the tournament either, the national party that took place throughout Scotland last night thanks to the Croatian win over the English is thought to be worth around 150 million pounds to the British economy through beer consumption, T-shirt production and various items of memorablia in the future. The local licensing board extended opening on Wednesday night by one hour for bars across the city. One landlord in Glasgow told us: “When Crouch scored the equaliser, the entire bar hit the whisky but the fans literally lifted the roof when the Croatians scored their third goal. The roofing contractors coming in to look at it this afternoon.” Another party-goer from Aberdeen told us "The economic impact is tremendous, the whole of the city is buzzing.”

Darling in the House of Commons told media representatives today that although this will undoubtedly have a detrimental effect next summer, the English should thank the Scots for having a good laugh at their expense and for cushioning the economic blow. “I know it’s hard to take, but let’s be honest, it was funny as f**k!“ said the Scottish MP from his London office. "I'm sure the Welsh and Northern Irish were also contributing last night too so my thanks on behalf of the nation to them too" he also added.

Both the Austrian and Swiss authorities were delighted at the news however. The Austrian President Heinz Fischer said: “Zis is delightful news for our economy. Ve had set aside about eight and a half million Euros for our riot police but now that England vill not be coming, ve can invest zis money into our health and education services.”


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