UnNews:Danube River at Record Levels; Dykes, Gays Still Holding
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Danube River at Record Levels; Dykes, Gays Still Holding
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, February 25, 2017, 04:50:UTC)(
13 April 2006
(Sofia, Bulgaria) The Danube river is rising rapidly along its entire length, setting the water level to its highest since the last time the average American child knew where the Danube even is. Bulgaria, Serbia, and Romania are all threatened, but so far the thousands of dykes and gays employed to prevent the riverbank from overflowing are doing their job. Even celebrity dykes are helping out in the crisis. Leaning against a sand bag in the Bulgarian town of Vidin, actress Ellen DeGeneres commented, "Everyone should do their part. Even if you're questioning whether you really are a dyke or not, it's best to just put on those overalls and come help."
In Belgrade, water was just 14 inches below overflowing. City official Elena Yaneva wasn't too nervous though, explaining, "During last year's flood, it was only 5 inches - this is much, much better. Seeing that we have 14 inches of room to work with leaves me very satisfied with all the hard work performed by all the dyke volunteers." The thickness of the hard sandbags was an additional factor in satisfying Miss Yaneva.
The situation was more dire in neighboring Romania, particularly in the province of Transylvania. Flooding could drown thousands of local vampires, who sleep in dirt - below ground level. Local politician Count Dracula offered some thoughts, "I wish the river flowed with blood - then this flood would be a real boon to our economy." The opposing party's leader, Van Helsing, was unavailable for comment as he was "out battling werewolves" according to a press statement.
The United States was sympathetic to its European allies' plight, but government officials admitted there was little they could do to help. White House spokesman Scott McClellan clarified, "Look at how badly we screwed up after Katrina; do you really think we're able to help flood victims in another country - especially a country president Bush can't even find on a map?" As long as the dykes hold for another week though, the rains should stop and a bright rainbow will emerge over the threatened region.
No little boys were permitted to put their fingers in dykes without photographic proof of age for both themselves and the dyke.