UnNews:Dante: "Fallwell doing well in the Eighth Circle"
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Dante: "Fallwell doing well in the Eighth Circle"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 20, 2017, 09:50:UTC)(
17 May 2007
Editor's note: UnNews would like to take this opportunity to reintroduce another upgrade to our technology, the UnCanninator. This device was constructed by our crack (smoking?) engineering team as part of UnNews continuing efforts to bring you, precious reader, the best in misinformation. It functions much like a two-way radio, except that it opens channels to the realm of the Dead. John Edwards is in for a rude awakening when we undercharge him by 80% and drive him out of the charlatan business again.HELL, United States -- In light of the recent death of the Reverend Jerry Falwell, there is much speculation today about how he's doing the the afterlife. Here to set the record straight is Dante Alighieri, a frequent visitor of hell, purgatory, and heaven.
- Gurkhmeini: Dante, it is a pleasure to see you today. I just loved your book The Divine Comedy. Tell me, are you planning a sequel.
- Dante: Unfortunately, not. Virgil and I are having too much fun here in Il Inferno. Really, here in the afterlife, Beatrice and I are doing great, so I don't have to resort to writing epic poetry to vent my feelings of unrequited passion. I mean, really, what would be achieved by this? I've already documented, charted, and converted into immortal verse the entire afterlife, with the exception of some obscure areas of Limbo, which are too annoying to visit, what with all the crying unbaptized babies and all.
- Gurkhmeini: I see. Now the question at hand: Where in Hell is Jerry Fallwell, exactly?
- Dante: The eighth circle, fourth bolgia. He's among the various sorcerors, false prophets, and other associated heretical frauds residing there. Some may think it a bit harsh, but, really, what else are Protestant ministers but charlatans?
- Gurkhmeini: It sure makes sense to me. Where else would you put a deranged Republican fundamentalist?
- Dante: Exactly. I'd let you speak to him one-on-one, but currently, he's having his head twisted around his body so he can only see his dark past and none of the future. He's been blabbering about leading a "moral crusade" against the liberal "immorality and hedonism" espoused by God.
- Gurkhmeini: He managed to deceive many in life. Has he won the hearts of any other damned souls?
- Dante: No. In hell, people are much harder to trick. Plus, the majority of his former followers are in the sixth and seventh circles, and don't keep in touch.
- Gurkhmeini: So, what's he planning for Final Judgement? Will he try to get out of eternal damnation?
- Dante: Yes. The best lawyers of all time are in the ninth circle, reserved for traitors. Judas Iscariot speak in his defense, and his chief counsel in Cain.
- Gurkhmeini: Well, it's been great talking to you.
- Dante: Thanks. You too. Godspeed, my good friend, godspeed.
- Gurkhmeini shuts off the UnCanninator.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|