UnNews:DanielCraigIsNotBond.com turns gay, stalks Bond theme singer Chris Cornell
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
DanielCraigIsNotBond.com turns gay, stalks Bond theme singer Chris Cornell
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, June 26, 2016, 10:45:UTC)(
12 October 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
LOS ANGELES, California -- Audioslave frontman Chris Cornell, his wife Vicky and his penis are under siege from crazy homosexual stalkers from DanielCraigIsNotBond.com who are threatening the lives of their two young children - reports NYPost.
A friend of Chris says Cornell just installed an "impenetrable" $250,000, high-tech security system in his private part's $8 million Beverly Hills mansion because of increasingly bizarre and detailed death threats aimed at his cock and his ass.
According to the friend, "The threats started coming since the leaking of You Know My Name, when my wife Vicky was six months into her pregnancy with Toni. DanielCraigIsNotBond.com usually come by e-mail or by regular mail and are explicit, referring to killing the children and Vicky and exactly how they plan on killing them if i didn't drop out from Casino Royale. It's disgusting and terrifying. These people know where they live and how to get ahold of them."
Another horrible message came from = who told Vicky, "Your husband is supporting Daniel Craig and now he must die." The threats escalated recently, just as Cornell was about to leave home to start his worldwide promotional tour of "You Know My Name," the theme song in the latest James Bond flick, "Casino Royale" - prompting Cornell to install more than 40 video cameras, invisible laser beams, newly-made North Korean missiles and 24-hour security guards from Hamas and Hezbollah.
A rep for the couple declined comment. But they have cause to worry.
Although Beverly Hills is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in the United States, the posh area has suffered from a surge in professional burglaries in recent years, some of which have been violent.
After Page Six reported on the crime wave, Vanity Fair's Michael Schnayerson wrote in 2005 that Beverly Hills, Bel Air and other affluent L.A. neighborhoods are "under siege by gangs of burglars who have made off with tens of millions of dollars in loot."