UnNews:Dancing with the Stars: Ann Coulter Signs for 2008 Season
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Dancing with the Stars: Ann Coulter Signs for 2008 Season
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 25, 2016, 22:02:UTC)(
11 March 2007
Anaheim CA -- Political pundit and total bitch Ann Coulter has inked a deal that will put the bombastic bottled blond conservative social commentator in the spotlight when ABC's Dancing with the Stars begins production of its fifth season during the 2008 television season.
"My only concern is that my mouth may fly off faster than Heather Mills leg," stated Coulter at the press conference announcing the casting coup.
"I mean really, does she need the leg or does she just have it for the sympathy that it generates?"
Coulter, who’s appearance bookings have dropped off to virtually nil since she called former North Carolina Senator and Presidential candidate John Edwards (D) a “fag” is hoping that the timing of her appearance on the show will rejuvenate her sagging career.
"You know, Martha Stewart could have opted for Dancing with the Stars, but she opted to go the Lezzie route in prison. No muff too tough - Martha's got a pussy too, but you won't find me going there," Coulter said in an off the cuff remark which drew gasps from the shocked audience. "What, can't people take a joke?"
Producers are hoping that the one year lead time will help them find a male dancing partner that is willing to go near Coulter. Most of the men in dance are gay and several have commented that it would be a cold day in Hell before they would make Coulter look good on television.
When asked whether he would agree to appear on television with Coulter, Mario Lopez said "Oh, Bitch - PLEASE!"
Finding make-up artists and cosmetologists who will also approach Coulter to fix her up before taping may also be a challenge given the high percentages of homosexuals who work in the industry.
"Under Ms. Coulter's contract, production employees may not approach her with a stun gun," replied show producer Danny Bonaduce.
The North American Fag Hag Association (NAFHA) voiced its intent to boycott Dancing with the Stars if it follows through with parading Coulter out and about as part of its Dog and Pony Show appeal.
When asked what kind of partner she hopes to have when the show premiers in March 2008 Coulter responded by saying “My Ass is Hungry,” and “Doesn’t anybody have a sense of humor anymore?”