UnNews:Dancing a continued health problem in clubs, bars Canada-wide
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Dancing a continued health problem in clubs, bars Canada-wide
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 14:50:UTC)(
7 October 2006
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CANADA, Eh? -- "In the last year alone, we have had seven 'amateur dancers', coming directly from clubs, admitted to our hospital with problems ranging from badly sprained ankles to cracked vertebrae, to psychological conditions such as depression and schizophrenia," says Dr. Jackson Brownie of the Montreal General Hospital.
A country not traditionally known for it's love of dancing, it's citizens rather being identified for their love of hockey, beer, and saying "Eh?" at the end of sentences, is gaining recognition as a country of bumbling dancin' fools. Dr. Brownie feels this epidemic of dancing related injuries is not isolated to Canada, it's just that "we often notice things like this in Canada because we have nothing better to do."
Any specific causes to the dancing-related problems are unclear, but Brownie urges Canadians to become more reserved on the dancefloor, instructing them to not only take caution for yourself, but for others around you. "Always remember: every living person in life is a living human life," he says slowly and with excessive thought, adding, "those are words I hope ring true to humans and their lives. I hope my life can be remembered someday by my words of life."
Brownie and his colleagues at the MGH are rallying together to push a bill banning any public dancing after 9:30 p.m. through the Canadian government. The bill is expected to pass immediately, as the only other bills of interest currently passing through government involve laws about feeding ducks and/or squirrels in public parks and/or ponds.
Brownie is seeking to spread his message to the rest of the globe, and has been busy attempting to organize a "Rock Against Dancing" benefit concert, slated to take place in late March. This date may be pushed back however, as he has been unable to find any musical acts to perform. There was slight interest by a number of musicians who mistook Jackson Brownie with the musician Jackson Browne, but that has all died down at this point.