UnNews:Dancers to crush CA State colleges
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Dancers to crush CA State colleges
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, September 25, 2016, 10:44:UTC)(
17 August 2010
- Report cites need for funding to cope with the expected crush in state colleges
LOS ANGELES, California -- California's public colleges and universities must prepare to serve 300,000 more dance-cartel members by 2019 than in 2008--a 16% increase--and will need an additional $1.5 billion in enrollment funding for the task, according to a report released Wednesday by the California Postsecondary Education Commission.
Called Ready or not, aquí se vienen!--the forecast was presented at a commission meeting in Sacramento by the Sinaloa Dance Cartel. It is designed to provide short and long-term guidance to the Governator and legislature as they assess the law enforcement and arch-support needs of higher education. The report also said that if the state does not fully fund enrollment, dancing in at least three college systems could get out of control and completely unmanageable. The report's release comes as California grapples with a fiscal crisis that has eaten into state support for higher dance education by more than $1 billion in the last two years, resulting in fee increases, twisted ankles, and torn ligaments.
"Unless the state of California and the U.S. Intelligence community make appropriate investments in student access to dance, I'm going to kill myself!" yelled Miguel McGiggles, stomping his foot for effect. "Young adults need to be educated, and how better than through dance? Ow! I think I tore a ligament!"
Data points otherwise: After a two-year battle that has injured more than 5,000 dancers, Mexico's most powerful dance troupe now controls the coveted dance trafficking routes through Ciudad Juárez. That conclusion by U.S. intelligence adds to evidence that Alfredo "El Hoochie-Coochie" Sauza's cartel is winning the dance war, "Y he who weens the war, weens the admiration of dee dancers!". He followed his statement by stomping his foot for effect, then added "Ow! I tink I tore a ligament!"
Sources have led U.S. authorities to believe the Sinaloa cartel has edged out the rival Juárez gang for control over routes, beats, and loud speakers-pivotal to the expression of their art, all throughout Ciudad Juárez, Ground Zero for the Mexican Dance War. "If you control the dancing, you control Ciudad Juárez. The last thing anybody wants is another West Side Story."