UnNews:Dalai Lama declares fatsuassu cause of poopoonogo
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Dalai Lama declares fatsuassu cause of poopoonogo
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 12:58 (UTC)
21 March 2007
Dharamsala, India--His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, speaking from his official residence, has reacted with "infinite compassion and understanding" to the recent announcement by Japanese authorities that Japanese fishermen would end their centuries-old tradition of whaling and begin harvesting the flesh of immensely obese human persons, in order to market the new food product known as "fatsuassu."
"According to the Four Noble Truths of the Buddhist tradition," His Holiness recounted, "birth is suffering, ageing is suffering, death is suffering, and growing morbidly obese on snack foods and fresh baked pies is suffering as well, and the means to the ending of suffering is the Noble Eight-fold Path, wherein Right Actions require wholesome acts, and the consumption of wholesome foods, and while it may be said that the eating of our fellow man's corporeal flesh is a commendable form of recycling, and therefore not itself an act contributing to our confinement within the compulsive cycle of saṃsāra, we find that fatsuassu is inherently a fatty meat, imbued with great quantities of bovine growth hormones, and steroids, and cholesterol, and chemical substances harmful to the Prajñā wisdom which purifies the mind, and therefore the consumption of fatsuassu cannot be considered the virtuous behavior of they who would take refuge in the Three Jewels of Tiratana."
This stunning annoucement followed a chance comment by His Holiness, that, "I would rather not be reborn," than to partake of squishy gobbets of human blubber. Sources close to His Holiness indicated that unpublished reports suggest that consumption of fatsuassu might promote constipation and a form of flatulence linked to spontaneous human conbustion, but this could not be confirmed.
In related developments, Geraldo Rivera, reporting for the BBC, uncovered confidential memos of Japan's Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare, wherein certain unnamed high officials are alleged to have cited secret government reports stating, that, "As there are currently no citizens of Japan who might be ajudged grossly obese, the Committee therefore proposes the initiation of a special program to evaluate the corpulence of foreign tourists on a sliding scale including both raw bloatage and specific gravity."
Spokespersons for the Ministry, in attempting to deflate what may become a scandal of elephantine proportions, denied the existence of any such program. "We welcome all fatties to our shores and will endeavor only to scoop up more of their delicious tourist...err, money."
The US Ambassador to Japan, E. Cardwell Tallowbelly, could not be reached for comment.
- Combating Obesity
- Japanese to Harpoon Fat People
- Whaling Prohibited by Japanese Government
- The End of a Centuries-Old Tradition